Dear Papa,
We finally met after 25 years. Didn't know you existed until two years ago. In the beginning of 2017 I got on the plane and met you. I didn't think it would change my life but it really did. It helped me see where I got my little personalities and hobbies. Meeting not only you but the rest of the family that made me really feel like I belong somewhere. Let me tell you it wasn't easy for me to leave. We both thought about me finishing school after my three year break. I was going to move and live with you while I finish school. It was an amazing idea you know? Finally had the time to finish school and start a whole new life. To even think to live a new life with you would be amazing. Little did I know it was going to take more of me to stay or go. Two months. Two months passed and every single day I couldn't sleep for reasons I'm still not sure of. I thought about it day and night. I thought about you, my mom, my step dad, all of my siblings, my friends, and my life.... None of this made any sense.
I decided to stay in the states to continue my life here. Not because of comfort but to just really live the way I know God wanted me to live... Trusting Him. I knew deep down that I would depend on you more than I should. I would depend on you more than God. I can't fall into that temptation. Yes you are my father and I do love you but I can't replace God for the mere idea of being comfortable for a short period of time.
I wanted to run away from my mom and all the drama that was going on. I needed to make sure you weren't filling the void that my family didn't give me. I told you I felt alone most of my life. That no one ever supported me when it came to the real deal. Again that's based off of a feeling that I shouldn't be feeling. It's okay to be loved but it can't be the sole purpose of me leaving everything behind.
We cannot make up for the lost years we could've spent but God had us meet years later. I would not want to take that away from your kids. I'm not saying you were going to stop loving them and providing for them because of me but you being there for them is something that they need. I'm an adult now who's passed all that. They need you more than I do right now.
I've started over many many times. Yes, that is what your 20's are about but being a part of a new church making new friends after making new friends in college and figuring out life to only do it again in the Philippines... I'm tired of changing. I think for once it would be okay to stay, That is a new adventure, staying.
It was very difficult for me to choose the Philippines over US. In all honesty I felt like it was choosing over things way more than a destination. You vs. Mom or staying because I was tired of a routine vs. running for comfort or me vs. God. This might not all make sense but there's a reason why things happen the way they do. God just won't say just yet. All I know is that there is something greater than right now. I know everything will be okay. Months or even days from now it'll be better.
I love you so much and I'll be back soon. Thank you for being you and letting me see who you really are. A man who made mistakes just like everyone else who is trying to make up for it. A man who loves his family more than anything. A man who is my father.
Love,
Lyn
