18. Planning

Looking through my Facebook, I see a lot of my old high school friends graduating from college. The only thing I can think about is how hard I worked to get where I am. The very fact that I worked so hard, I still feel like I'm in the exact same place. Is there something wrong with me? I keep telling myself that I trust in God with his plan. But I feel like I'm falling behind. All my life I was taught that I have to be on top of everything. That I have to be someone in life.

To be really honest I'm okay with where I am. No, I don't have a degree that can give me a job where I can get six figures. No, I don't drive. No, I don't know how to do things on my own.

I have God with me.
He's given me a man who can help me learn.
A mother to keep fighting.
a path worth taking and learning.

I just need to accept that. My human mind prevents me from turning to God's plan.

I now live with my mother again. And all could think of is how did I let this happen. The more I try to get away from some situations I have to come back. I've been feeling like a failure because I had to go back to my mother. But it doesn't have to be like that. I'm my worst enemy and all I want to do is change. I want to be better. The only way to be better is to really follow Christ. I'm not really sure how but I'm going to have to start somehow.

For last few weeks I've been fighting and searching for ways to get a job. It's going to happen soon enough. The one thing I have to do is not be afraid to make calls and make moves. I can't go anywhere if I just sit there. Another thing I know I have to do is don't expect things to happen. My expectations are selfish and it's not about me. God has my back and I need to trust him more

17. Job Hunting

Ever since school ended for me with no degree I've been trying to look for a job. The only thing is, I'm too scared to actually apply. I mean I have turned a few in but following up was always something I was scared of doing. My fiance and I have been fighting because I'm too scared to do anything and I just close the door on everything. I think he's more upset on how I just don't want to change. I do want to change. I've been trying to change for a really long time. Why can't I just let fear not take over me? I trust in God I really do, but I'm so use to hiding behind books and behind my mother I don't know what to do. Nehi's been trying to help me just like everyone else has from my church and a few of my friends. While I'm trying my very best to find and apply for these jobs, there's always questions like, your work experience, your education etc. I NEVER WORKED! I've always been a student that the messed up part about all of it is that I STILL don't have a degree. I just looked on my GPA I've dropped it so significantly, I want to just throw everything away. What's the point?! I've worked so hard to get to where I am and to really see where I am it's nowhere.

Nehi pushes me to change but how can I? All I do is change and for what? To be back where I started, or lower than anything.

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most is upset because you can't change no matter how hard you try. I'm so angry at myself I just don't want to try anymore. I hate disapointing him but it's like what can I do? I complain that I hate my life and he said I don't have the right to complain cuz I don't try to do anything about it. I guess I don't. I'm not like him. I don't know how people do this. I'm not strong enough to even change for myself. The fact that someone else believes that I can change make me want to laugh because I don't see it.

I worked hard to be a great student
I worked hard to be a good daughter
I'm trying to be a good girlfriend/ fiancee

and look where it's getting me...
more doubt

Yes I know I'm not perfect. But it seriously suck where I can't even see it in myself that I'm worth it.
I'm just really discouraged about everything. I really don't want to be here. I feel like if I lived somewhere else maybe I'd be happier and work harder. I want a new start. I don't want to be living with my mom. But what choice do I have when I don't have a job?

Pray for me.

16. To Open the Door or keep it Locked

Update with my biological father:

So he contacted me on facebook. I'm pretty sure it took a lot for him to do that but I wasn't so sure how to feel about it. I never met the guy for crying out loud. There's nothing I could tell him. He wanted to know if I could give him a chance to talk to him and get to know him. He said he's been waiting for me. All I could think about is how he left my mother when she was pregnant. I felt abandoned.

My mom came by the house and I haven't seen her in like 3 weeks becasue she flew out to the Philippines for that long. Anyways, before that, I finally told her how I felt about the whole situation. I told her how I hurt I was for the fact that she lied to me for my whole life. She didn't think it was a lie becasue she "never" had the chance to tell me the truth. "We were never open" was her reason. There was one time I asked her when I was 13. She made me feel guilty becasue she made it seem like I never appreciated and loved my father who raised me. I LOVE HIM! He took me as his own. Who would ever not appreciate that? She made me feel like a bad person. Like I never appreciated anyone in my life. I was thirteen and she took that from me. I never asked her again. But growing up I felt alone. I told her becasue I didn't know I was always distant from everyone. I was always different alone and wanted to know why. And she chose to hide it from me. She finally tells me after an argument because I'm getting married soon. Of all the times you could've spoken to me about it, you choose the time where I'm ready to give my life to another man. I didn't hold anything about that day. All she wanted to do was have me talk to him. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to have another man in my life. It's so difficult for me to grasp that this is all happneing to me.

She went to my room and gave me her phone and he was on the other line. I wanted to throw the phone in her face but I heard his voice. He sounded so happy to hear mine. I couldn't feel a thing. I wasn't so sure if I should feel mad or upset all I knew that I wasn't ready for any of it. after 22 years we finally met and he's happy. I got to know a little about him and I'm still not sure how to feel. My life would've been so different if I had met him a long time ago. While I'm gettting to know him I feel like we're so alike in so many ways. He asked me about me going to the Philippines to get to know each other. I never gave him a for sure answer but who has an actual answer for that? He wanted to take 3 to 4 weeks. I have a life here. I can't just leave. I'd rather have Nehi go with me.

All in all, I still don't know how to feel about all of this. God has a plan for me. I'm leaving it all to him.