15. The End to a New Beginning

So if haven't noticed, I haven't been keeping up with my daily stuff. Here are my reasons:

1. School took over my life. 

2. Drama always seems to take over life

3. Getting married soon

4. Became a new member of Crossview

5. I'M BUSY

But in lighter news, I'm done with the Applied Music program that was offered in my school. YAY! Let me tell you I've been busting my butt off just to stay in the program and now that it's over I'm happy to move on with my life and say that I actually finished something. I mean it's not a degree but it's something that I worked hard for and in the end was worth it. I have no regrets of changing my major to something that I honestly loved doing. This month started off so horrible and I'm really glad that when I honestly didn't think I can handle anymore pain and God lifted me at the moment I needed him to the most. God is so good. There were countless of times I wanted to quit and I've been fighting with everyone around me. Sometimes when people annoy me I forget who I am. That's never a good thing. I cannot complain on life is you know? I just can't. I'm just glad that this time, instead of running from Christ I ran to him when I obviously needed him. Before I would blame myself and that God was punishing me. He is not punishing me! I have to learn how to accepted that. Everything that I go through good and bad it's for my own good for his purpose. Being with Christ I've become stronger as a person. This time, I don't have to think that I'm a bad person or a worthless person. God is the only one who knows me and what I'm going to do with my life.

A friend of mine had told me that she wanted to give me studio lights for my photography. I thought she was selling them and she told me that see wanted to give them to me for free. I thought she was crazy because studio lights are really expensive. Turns out she actually wanted to give me her who lighting system. It's professional equipment! I couldn't believe it. I've been praying about this for awhile and I didn't think God would answer my prayers that quickly. The fact that I just finished the music program in my school and the next day God opened the door to photography. I mean I know that I've been loving that art but I didn't think that there's more to it. God is so good. He's opened so many opportunities and all I have to do now is actually take them.

With that being said I'm going to start practicing with the lights and camera and start a really small photography business. I really want to try working with artist of all kinds. I think it would be great to start with something small. That way I can have some money while looking for an actual job. Pray for me please. All I can do now is keep moving forward with Christ. 

14. Shut Down

I don't understand why I completely shut myself down. I don't want to deal with anything or with anymore. I ALWAYS end up feeling like I did something wrong. I don't understand why. My life is changing everyday and I can't even grab a hold of anything. Nothing makes any sense when it comes to the people I cared about. I thought they would always have my back. People aren't perfect I understand that but why lie and make someone else feel bad about it. I've lost one friend after another. I thought everyone was fine because everyone has things going on for them. They have relationships, school, jobs anything! Why bring up the past? Why didn't anyone tell me anything about what they feel. instead of hiding it for so long and end up hating me.

I knew I wasn't stupid. Everyone has their own lives to deal with. That' perfectly understandable. People change I get it. So I lost all my best friends and ended up being with one of them. I guess our friendship didn't matter after all. I'll walk away then.

I can't grasp this at all. Like I want to fix this but it's not like anything is going to change. God confuses me almost all the time but I just hope all of this will make sense to me. I mean His understanding is far greater than my own. I'm human. I just wish I knew you know? But everything will come out eventually the way God intended to happen. And in all honesty that's all I can hope for.

I need prayer though. If anyone actually reads these: Please pray that I find peace in my chaotic mind.

13. Alone

So a few posts ago I shared with you how my mother told me who my real father is. He's been living in the Philippines for my whole life so I've never met him. When she first told me, I seemed fine. After years of wondering and suspicion she finally gave me the confirmation that I was right. I was satisfied with what I've been  waiting to hear.

To be really honest, I'm just hurt. I mean my whole life I felt alone. I wondered why I didn't have anything in common with my dad who's raised me. There was always a gap. No wonder my siblings and I don't really click.

How can someone lie for that long? 22 years of my life of feeling alone and different and never knowing the reason why. The worst part is, because I'm so hurt I'm hurting the people I love. No, I'm hurting the only person who ever loved me.

My real father left my mom when he found out that my mom was pregnant with me. The man who raised me lied like my mom did. My grandfather died when I was so young. All of a sudden my guard and wall came back. I'm so scared he's going to leave me and maybe I'm not a Christian. Because I trusted God and He gave me the truth. And now I just wish I wasn't alive...

You can't take back all the heartache. You just can't and it's hard to keep moving forward. I can't even sing. The one thing that makes me feel alive without anyone else... I don't want to do it.

I've been manipulated all my life and I still don't know who I am.

I'm happy that I have great people in my life. And there's not a day where I don't appreciate them. They made me feel like I mattered somehow. Even if it was in a small way.

12. Photography

So photography is like my fourth love to do. These are just a few of many of the photos I've taken. Thank you to these ladies who allowed me to take photos for my upcoming portfolio. Aside from singing and copsing to show my appreciation for art, photography is always fun for me. I mean yes, these are pictures of people but I do also like taking photos of the city. I just want to take more and more photos everyday. But I'm stuck doing the routine I feel like I'm just going to bored with everything. Almost like how I felt with the music department. Don't get me wrong, I love music. But you know too much of anything is always a drag no matter how much love you have for your art. I've taken so many pictures of my friends and the places we've all gone to but I wanted to see if I can do more than just memory shots. I love pictures that make you remember the good and bad times. But I also like taking photos that can tell a stories. Ever heard that saying "A picture has more than a thousand words" I want to see if my photos mean anything. Honeslty I love memories. It's so precious to so many people. The last two photos are more of my buisness part of photography. Becasue I'm an artist myself, I know how expensive a photoshoot for headshots are. I mean my photos aren't all that but I believe it's something. My friend Listte Alvarez has used her headshot for auditions and told me she got gigs. And my other friend Mello used that photo to advertise for her single that came out a year ago. I hope I get better at this soon though. I'd love to invest on a new camera and photography equipment. That would make life so mush easier. God has blessed me with the talent for music and photography. It's so fun! I hope this last for a really long time.


Lisa Adams

San Fransisco

                                                      

 



     Mello Apoyan

              
                                    

                                                  



Lisette Alvarez

 

11. Out in the Open

This is my father. He's been taking care of me for as long as I can remember. I have no words to really express how greatful and thankful I am that God has given him us in my life. He's the best father I can ever ask for. He is the father I hope my future husband would be life. Christ like. So patient and kind. So forgiving. And most of all loving. Even though I'm not his biological daughter.

Today, my mom finally told me who my real dad was. Not the one on the picture. The one on the picture is the man who raised me. He was the first man to love me. Aside from my grandpa Alex. (R.I.P)

I feel like God has prepped me up for this for the longest time. Growing up I was so hurt because I didn't know why I could never connect with my dad. I felt alone because I didn't feel like I belonged. Now, after everything I've been through, I'm okay. I just realized I have more family. Remember a few months back when I went to Temecula for my mom's friend's daughter's 18th party? Turns out they're my family. My mom's friend is my aunt and her kids are my cousins. They've been so nice to me. I didn't know why. Now I do.

After so many years the truth finally came out. Now I feel great.

I love you dad. You'll always be my father. Blood or not, you loved me as your own. So ladies, take a moment and hug your dad. He's trying and he loves you. And God also loves you.