8. Light

For a long time, I've been having a hard time to be really happy with my family. I've allowed my mother to control every little thing in my life; to the point where I didn't know who I was. It wasn't always easy to deal with and I thought having a husband would allow me to run away from my family forever because I was starting my own. (I'm not pregnant) I've always had a hard time to figure out how to deal with my mother when it came to me being respectful but also let her know that I don't agree with her. Because whatever I did, to her eyes I felt like she was always disappointed in me. She would always make me feel upset and guilty when I haven't done anything wrong.
Last night with I had some time with my sister in Christ who's the pastor's wife. I've learned to be more open to other people but it was a lot easier to be open to her as well. She listened very closely as I was asking for questions even though they weren't intentional questions. She then gave me a couple of verses from the bible to be a little more mindful when situations like this come again.

²² Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. ²³ Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. ²⁴ And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. ²⁵ Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

She turned every doubt I had and turned them into hope. It was crazy how the word of God just does that to your life.  She made me think about how I could handle arguments or conflicts with me and my family or sometimes Nehi (my fiancé). “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrel. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God come to their repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth” (2 Timothy 2:23-25). When people especially family have everything against you, the most common thing people do is yell back. I usually shut down and take the beating. I need to respond gently and let them know that I don’t agree. I’m not my mother’s servant. I’m a servant of the Lord and I follow his rule. From what I’ve learned I’m going to pass along the good work of God. I need to learn how to not run away and face my problems with Christ. It’s going to take some time but I’m glad I’m not alone on this.
I have Nehi, my brothers and sisters of Christ and more importantly Jesus Christ alone.
My sister in Christ also brought out an interesting concept about my fiancé. She said “Don’t count on Nehi to save you because he’s going to fail. You’re going to fail. Count on Jesus to save you. He already saved your soul. Jesus is the foundation of your relationship” I 100% understand what she’s saying. I mean before when I was growing up, I would always say that I need a man who loves God more than me but I never applied it to my own life. I need to love and trust God more than anyone else.

Another thing she pointed out was how it’s easy to run away. It’s easy to shut down. She said, “I’m sure you thought that when you and Nehi get married that’s it for you. You plan to never see your family ever again because you have a life with Nehi now.” She told me how I’ve been trying to be the light of my family alone for the longest time. “You and Nehi need to be the light in your family. Be the example of a Christian family.” She said. The more I sat there listening to her it was like God is working through this relationship not only through me but maybe through my family. I’ve been carrying so much anger because of them I didn’t realize how long they’ve been in the dark. Growing up I never really had an example of a healthy family. The fact that my relationship with not only with Nehi but with Christ might just save them it’s amazing. She said, "Be the light for your family like how Jesus was the light for the world and saved us all from our sins."

Dealing with people is always something that’s going to be difficult. But you don’t have to be alone. Maybe God is telling me to help my family be saved. God has a plan, and all I have to do is trust him.

 

7. Smiles

I'm a part of an non profit organization called PIECES. It's an organization that helps young adults like myself create and maintain their art. PIECES support all types of visual arts from painting to music and dancing, we support it. Anyways, my boss who is the founder of PIECES asked me to help him host a art exhibition which is not a part of the organization but whatever. After, I helped himation the exhibition, I go to the studio where all the magic happens for PIECES members. My boss told my fiancé that there were two people coming to check out the studio so we provided them a small tour. They were very impressed with the art work that was around the wall. There are instruments for rehearsal space, recording equipment, records, canvases, and many instruments for the members to use. So while we were all talking, the two men asked my fiancé if he could show them a preview of their music. He turned to me and asked me if I wanted to sing and I said yes. The two men didn't realize that I was a musician. Their smiles were so nice, for some reason I didn't think they were genuine about their reaction to the music. For some reason I haven't seen smiles like that I sing or perform. My fiancé and I played another song where he and I are singing and they we're speechless. Their reaction  was such a blessing to me because for some reasons I forgot how it felt for people to actually enjoy when I perform.

Nehi (my fiancé) and I left PIECES to grab something to eat. We come back to the Boys and Girls Club (which is where the exhibit was held) and saw that there was a small event going on. We hung out with our boss upstairs and talked about what our next goal in our careers would be.  This would always be a rough topic because majority of the time I'm not really sure what I want to do. I mean music and photography yeah but it's so on and off , I just go with it. 

The people that were hosting the event invited to eat with them. We were full but Nehi and I were already on our way to leave so we checked it out either way. We started talking about PIECES and our art, they asked us to sing for them and we were down. We sang a couple songs and everyone loved it. I'm so happy when people enjoy watching what I enjoy doing. Music is so heartwarming for me and I really don't see myself doing anything else. 

There was a little girl who came up to me and just smiled. I asked her what was her name, her name was Valeri. I asked her if she liked to sing too and she yes. Then I asked her if she could sing for me and she started to sing Happy by Pharell Williams. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen. She looked at me with complete joy I was about to cry. The look in her eyes was just amazing. After she sang to me I have her a hug and told her to keep singing. 

Sometimes people forget to smile because they get so caught in life they don't have time to enjoy what really counts. The smiles and that little girl reminded me why I loved to perform. They reminded me that I actually have a purpose with music. Very heartwarming today and God has blessed me graciously and I'm thankful for that. 

6. Living with Unbelievers

Please tell me if it's wrong to walk away from your parents. After all the hard work they've done for you to be alive, you walk away. Here's the catch though, for many years they've made you feel like you've been a problem or you haven't done anything for them or they make you feel worthless. How many times am I going to let my family step all over me? How long am I going to let everyone judge me for something I'm not. How many times will I have to feel guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong? 

This was why my faith with God was so shaky. I didn't have that loved feeling when I was growing up. Judged was more like it. I had to reach high expectations and when I met them it was nothing to them. I tried my very best to make everyone happy I forgot about my own happiness. The questions I would always ask to God "Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain?" The only thing I felt was how much I deserved to be treated bad. That I deserved being alone when there were people surrounding me. 

Why do I have to live in place where I'm surrounded by unbelievers? What can I do when I want to talk to someone about my walk with Christ all they will do is judge me. Why do I have to face a group where the only thing they do is gossip and only talk about money and call them my family? 

Through all of this, God has given me my fiancé. I've gone through this on my own countless of times but I always end up wanting to kill myself. God has sent someone who reminds me that God is there to protect my heart. That I should trust him my questions are not "why me?" but "please give me strength" I don't want to crawl anymore. I want to walk with Christ forever. God has given me my future husband who's family already treats me like blood. The way my family has never treated me. I told my fiancé last night, "you know as much as I love the whole family thing, I don't know how that feels. I've never felt that."For the past few months I've been feeling that love with his family and from church. My relationship with Christ has grown, and I can't even explain how amazing that feels. The most amazing part about all of this is that I'm learning to not only trust in other people but trust in God. The fact that I trust anyone at is something. 

God is saving me from my own death. I'm so grateful of all that things he's done for me. It's not easy to live like this but I trust in God and thank him for all the blessings, the struggles, and the people he's given me to get through this world. Without them, I would be lost forever. 

5: Motivation

College! Something that parents and teachers throw at you when you're in grade school and high school. They tell you that if you don't go to college you can't make it in life. What if you can't make it through college? What then? For the past year, I've been struggling to be on too of everything like how I use to. Having a high GPA of 3.8 was something I tried keeping until life happened. I always believed that I could handle many things as long as I didn't handle them alone. People believed in me and made me believe in myself. Unfortunately I let at all get into my head. I'm burned out! I've been strong for too long and I am tired. The worst part is that I don't think I've really gotten anything done. I've worked hard and forgot why I worked hard in the first place. I was more concerd about my professors approval than my own happiness. I lost sight of the passion that led me to why I started music in the first place.

I skipped two days of school because I don't want to get up to do the same thing I've been doing for the last 2 1/2 years. You think that's short? Everyone's different. For 2 years I've been giving 150% of my life and energy just to keep up. My work ethics were crazy good but I just crashed. There's nothing else I can do because my motivation was thrown out the window.

I've prayed a few times about it but I still don't know what else to do. . . No that's a lie I think I need to really part about this. I half ass everything I do now. It's not how I am. But for some reason I'm being content about it.

4. Not Always Rainbows

Let's face it, I can't keep up with a daily blog entry but I'll try to blog as much as I can.

Anyways, last time I wrote about how I wanted to be sure about being married to  my fiance. I actually had to have a conversation with him about it. It was the hardest thing because I keep thinking that I don't want him or something. It's not even that, it's just I'm not always sure about anything in general. But I didn't want to treat him like he's just another choice that later on I'll change my mind. I know he was hurt. I ever meant to hurt him. But seeing him like that made me cry. I love him with all of me. That doesn't make sense but I don't care. He's everything to me and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. The moment he said "this is your choice then. I'm not going to push you anymore." My heart dropped like  no tomorrow. I wanted him more than I ever thought. Relationships are about being there for each other, loving each other through their actions. All I want to do is love him. I want to show him that there is no one else and no where else I'd rather be but by his side.

You'd think that relationships are about the rainbows and sunshine but it's the storm that makes the rainbow even more beautiful.

Daily Entry 3: I'm Engaged

For those who don't know, I'm engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever known. He can be the most stubborn person in the planet but who isn't right? Well anyways, he's been a part of my life for the past two years I've lived in LA. He's my music partner and brother in Christ. The only thing is, I'm a new believer. I tend to have a wondering mind. Sometimes I'm nor even sure in what I believe in. That's actually a problem. well for one, I don't want to hurt him because of my own mind. I love him with all my heart don't mistake that. I'd do anything for him but I don't want to lie about it. I don't think I'm lying when it comes to my faith because I do believe that God is doing wonders in my life. He's blessed me with the man that I love, the friends I cherish and the opportunities he's given me so far.

I wasn't really thinking about all of these things until a friend of mine. . . maybe a friend I'm not sure. But she was asking why we were moving too fast. I honestly didn't have an answer. The only answer I could give her was how much I love him but I didn't even say that. I do love him. There's no doubt about it. But why couldn't I just say it? She would ask, "you have an idea how you want to do your wedding?" or "you have plans where it's going to be?" It's annoying when people ask me so many questions and I have no way of answering it. Honestly how in the world would I know what my plans are? \

I met up with two of my friends afterwords and we started to plan my wedding: which wasn't going to happen until 9 months from now. They were talking about the budget, the place, the date, everything. Obviously it's something worth thinking about. I wasn't upset about thinking about it. I was more concern if it was possible. The only income I have is from school, my financial aid, which is great and all but I need a job. The main situation is, I started to questing my marriage.

The big question is, "Am I really ready?" I don't have a job, still go to school, can't drive, don't live on my own. . . You start to wonder if you're ready to be with someone else if you can't even take care of yourself. Now I have to be responsible for his spiritual walk? When we talked about it I felt like I was ready but when people ask or makes me make them sure that I know what I'm doing, I feel like I don't Why do I have to prove to other people how much I love him. I want to prove to him and God that I love my fiance. That I'm going to love my husband as long as I live. I just hope that I'm ready for it. Regardless of what I'm confused about I want to be sure that I'm ready.

Daily Entry 2: Piano and voice

So I have two intermediate piano classes; classical and commercial piano. They're really challenging on their own let alone together. Well anyways I'm not one of the best players in the department but I try my very best. The only problem is is that they're too hard! I keep forgetting I'm not a pianist. It's not like I'm going to accompany people all the time. Or I'm not going to be performing in an orchestra. I'm a vocalist! It's like why can't I remember that? Here I am busting my butt of for something I won't be really using. Don't get me wrong playing and learning technique has made me a better performer and songwriter. It's just something I need to get over of. I've become a piano student. I've looked through my voice music at least a few times. I've been learning and practicing the same music for almost two weeks straight now and I'm still not done learning it. Bach is way too hard for me. I guess I have to really remember that I'm a singer not a pianist.  To top it all off , I'm not even learning the music I want to for voice.

Yes, I know that sounds snobby but hear me out. I've been singing commercial voice for as long as I can remember and after three semesters of vocal training for mix voice, I end getting a new coach to sing classical. I mean I get it, you want me to learn so my voice doesn't die out easily. But honestly, singing commercial is  my forte. But as always, I'm up for a challenge and I'm going to sing musical theatre I  an  operatic style. It's going to be beneficiary somehow I hope. 

It takes a lot to keep on going when the world pulls you down. The only thing you can really do is remember to breathe and have fun. Music is t heartless. It always has a beat. Don't let the passion die. 

-Lyn 

Daily Entry 1: 2014

The last blog I've posted was in 2011. That's been awhile I think I'm just going to do this again just to get my head out here. My tumblr is a little too public for all of my feelings but either way I'm going to write here too.

So, in 2011 I was just in the process of my first semester in college. Well, now that it's 2014. I'm still in school. I'm not even sure if I'm almost done. Most likely not because I've been too focused on school work for being a music major. I honestly didn't think music would take everything that I had. All my time and energy went towards music for the school. I had little time for my own music but the classes did help me to improve on my performance and writing skills. I've been studying music now for the last 2 years. I must say, it's been hard. Music takes so much energy and discipline I never thought it would take this much. But I worked as much as I could. Never knowing exactly what it took to be a music major I went through it.

Though music is almost the only thing that make me happy, I found love in photography as well. But unlike music, I don't want to take classes to become a photographer. I don't plan on changing my major to photography. My plan is to learn online and through books. Most of my photographer friends taught themselves how to work the camera. Either way, I don't think I'm set out to do one thing in my life. God has a purpose for me and all I can do is do all things through him. But pf course life happens and I'm trying to trust in God. That's all I need to do anyways.

Thanks for reading. I hope I have more interesting things to read about in the near future.

Lyn.