20. Christian Life

My church Crossview disbanded last month on October 31, 2014. Man, months and months before that I was upset, angry, confused and felt abandoned. I struggled so much to find a family church ever since I moved from Riverside, (almost 3 years ago) to see my church family disband in 4 months. Ever since then, I was angry. I couldn't tell my pastor and his wife that I was angry. I loved them so much I just kept it to myself. It wasn't going to change anything either way. But during my time apart from my church family, I just miss them now. The fellowship, blessings, and everything that I've learned about being a family it was with them.

Not realizing that I've been neglecting my own family, I just went on being sorry for myself. I lost sight if God because I was too angry with Him. I didn't trust Him. I was drowning in my sin. During this week, my sister in Christ texted me and made sure if I was okay. God blessed me because He used Christian to show me the light again.

Today (Sunday) I thought I was going to help my dad move things out of our storage space back in Moreno Valley. Turns out we woke up late and stayed home. Later that day my mom for everyone to get ready for church. See my family are Catholics. I'm a Christian. In case you didn't know that. The last time when she told everyone to get ready she was really upset that I didn't go with them. I had to explain that I don't feel comfortable going to a Catholic Mass. This time she respected my decision to go. But I end up going because they wanted to hang after.

I have nothing against the Catholic Church okay. I mean I was raised Catholic it's just I never learned anything. I learned prayers and what not that had nothing to do with my relationship with the Lord. As I sit there and to at least hear some truth, all I heard was how a couple dedicated their lives in taking care of the church. How they spent years of their time in church and why. But not one did I hear because God called them to. They were so proud of being involved in the church the gospel wasn't even explained. I keep looking at my mom and I'm just upset. They don't know Christ at all because every time I go to a mass all I see is how people are involved because it's good.

I'm upset because I finally have a conversation with my brother and I asked him, "How do you know that you're going to heaven?" He said "because I'm good and I accept God." I tried to explaining how being Catholic is different from being Christian. But the thing is, he doesn't even see how Catholics work. You don't just show up to church and say you're saved.

I have to get my family out of their church. Honestly, they haven't learned anything. They don't know God. My relationship with my parents are going well. I honestly believe that God is telling me to speak the Gospel to them. I need to be a light to them. I have to try.

God presents himself all the time. You just have to let go of your pride and burdens and just trust Him. I couldn't let change go. I couldn't accept change and moving forward. It's scary! Trust in the Lord. He is in control.

19. It's in God's hands

I've always had a problem with dealing with pressure, I take it all at once. I tend to have the idea that I can handle it all but then you know you realize you never had a handle on your problems. This is going to be short but I am going to say this, trust in the Lord. He is bigger than anything you will ever face on this earth. He will take care of you. Everyone on this earth will fail you. No matter how many times you think they have your back, they have their own issues to deal with. Don't get me wrong you have people who are always there for you but they will get tired. GOD IS WITH YOU %100. Don't expect a human to save you because they are just like you a sinner. God has already saved you through Jesus Christ. And if you're not a Christian, God is calling you to trust him and turn away from your sins. So that you can see God and his love and righteousness.  With Christ everything is possible.

18. Planning

Looking through my Facebook, I see a lot of my old high school friends graduating from college. The only thing I can think about is how hard I worked to get where I am. The very fact that I worked so hard, I still feel like I'm in the exact same place. Is there something wrong with me? I keep telling myself that I trust in God with his plan. But I feel like I'm falling behind. All my life I was taught that I have to be on top of everything. That I have to be someone in life.

To be really honest I'm okay with where I am. No, I don't have a degree that can give me a job where I can get six figures. No, I don't drive. No, I don't know how to do things on my own.

I have God with me.
He's given me a man who can help me learn.
A mother to keep fighting.
a path worth taking and learning.

I just need to accept that. My human mind prevents me from turning to God's plan.

I now live with my mother again. And all could think of is how did I let this happen. The more I try to get away from some situations I have to come back. I've been feeling like a failure because I had to go back to my mother. But it doesn't have to be like that. I'm my worst enemy and all I want to do is change. I want to be better. The only way to be better is to really follow Christ. I'm not really sure how but I'm going to have to start somehow.

For last few weeks I've been fighting and searching for ways to get a job. It's going to happen soon enough. The one thing I have to do is not be afraid to make calls and make moves. I can't go anywhere if I just sit there. Another thing I know I have to do is don't expect things to happen. My expectations are selfish and it's not about me. God has my back and I need to trust him more

17. Job Hunting

Ever since school ended for me with no degree I've been trying to look for a job. The only thing is, I'm too scared to actually apply. I mean I have turned a few in but following up was always something I was scared of doing. My fiance and I have been fighting because I'm too scared to do anything and I just close the door on everything. I think he's more upset on how I just don't want to change. I do want to change. I've been trying to change for a really long time. Why can't I just let fear not take over me? I trust in God I really do, but I'm so use to hiding behind books and behind my mother I don't know what to do. Nehi's been trying to help me just like everyone else has from my church and a few of my friends. While I'm trying my very best to find and apply for these jobs, there's always questions like, your work experience, your education etc. I NEVER WORKED! I've always been a student that the messed up part about all of it is that I STILL don't have a degree. I just looked on my GPA I've dropped it so significantly, I want to just throw everything away. What's the point?! I've worked so hard to get to where I am and to really see where I am it's nowhere.

Nehi pushes me to change but how can I? All I do is change and for what? To be back where I started, or lower than anything.

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most is upset because you can't change no matter how hard you try. I'm so angry at myself I just don't want to try anymore. I hate disapointing him but it's like what can I do? I complain that I hate my life and he said I don't have the right to complain cuz I don't try to do anything about it. I guess I don't. I'm not like him. I don't know how people do this. I'm not strong enough to even change for myself. The fact that someone else believes that I can change make me want to laugh because I don't see it.

I worked hard to be a great student
I worked hard to be a good daughter
I'm trying to be a good girlfriend/ fiancee

and look where it's getting me...
more doubt

Yes I know I'm not perfect. But it seriously suck where I can't even see it in myself that I'm worth it.
I'm just really discouraged about everything. I really don't want to be here. I feel like if I lived somewhere else maybe I'd be happier and work harder. I want a new start. I don't want to be living with my mom. But what choice do I have when I don't have a job?

Pray for me.

16. To Open the Door or keep it Locked

Update with my biological father:

So he contacted me on facebook. I'm pretty sure it took a lot for him to do that but I wasn't so sure how to feel about it. I never met the guy for crying out loud. There's nothing I could tell him. He wanted to know if I could give him a chance to talk to him and get to know him. He said he's been waiting for me. All I could think about is how he left my mother when she was pregnant. I felt abandoned.

My mom came by the house and I haven't seen her in like 3 weeks becasue she flew out to the Philippines for that long. Anyways, before that, I finally told her how I felt about the whole situation. I told her how I hurt I was for the fact that she lied to me for my whole life. She didn't think it was a lie becasue she "never" had the chance to tell me the truth. "We were never open" was her reason. There was one time I asked her when I was 13. She made me feel guilty becasue she made it seem like I never appreciated and loved my father who raised me. I LOVE HIM! He took me as his own. Who would ever not appreciate that? She made me feel like a bad person. Like I never appreciated anyone in my life. I was thirteen and she took that from me. I never asked her again. But growing up I felt alone. I told her becasue I didn't know I was always distant from everyone. I was always different alone and wanted to know why. And she chose to hide it from me. She finally tells me after an argument because I'm getting married soon. Of all the times you could've spoken to me about it, you choose the time where I'm ready to give my life to another man. I didn't hold anything about that day. All she wanted to do was have me talk to him. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to have another man in my life. It's so difficult for me to grasp that this is all happneing to me.

She went to my room and gave me her phone and he was on the other line. I wanted to throw the phone in her face but I heard his voice. He sounded so happy to hear mine. I couldn't feel a thing. I wasn't so sure if I should feel mad or upset all I knew that I wasn't ready for any of it. after 22 years we finally met and he's happy. I got to know a little about him and I'm still not sure how to feel. My life would've been so different if I had met him a long time ago. While I'm gettting to know him I feel like we're so alike in so many ways. He asked me about me going to the Philippines to get to know each other. I never gave him a for sure answer but who has an actual answer for that? He wanted to take 3 to 4 weeks. I have a life here. I can't just leave. I'd rather have Nehi go with me.

All in all, I still don't know how to feel about all of this. God has a plan for me. I'm leaving it all to him.

15. The End to a New Beginning

So if haven't noticed, I haven't been keeping up with my daily stuff. Here are my reasons:

1. School took over my life. 

2. Drama always seems to take over life

3. Getting married soon

4. Became a new member of Crossview

5. I'M BUSY

But in lighter news, I'm done with the Applied Music program that was offered in my school. YAY! Let me tell you I've been busting my butt off just to stay in the program and now that it's over I'm happy to move on with my life and say that I actually finished something. I mean it's not a degree but it's something that I worked hard for and in the end was worth it. I have no regrets of changing my major to something that I honestly loved doing. This month started off so horrible and I'm really glad that when I honestly didn't think I can handle anymore pain and God lifted me at the moment I needed him to the most. God is so good. There were countless of times I wanted to quit and I've been fighting with everyone around me. Sometimes when people annoy me I forget who I am. That's never a good thing. I cannot complain on life is you know? I just can't. I'm just glad that this time, instead of running from Christ I ran to him when I obviously needed him. Before I would blame myself and that God was punishing me. He is not punishing me! I have to learn how to accepted that. Everything that I go through good and bad it's for my own good for his purpose. Being with Christ I've become stronger as a person. This time, I don't have to think that I'm a bad person or a worthless person. God is the only one who knows me and what I'm going to do with my life.

A friend of mine had told me that she wanted to give me studio lights for my photography. I thought she was selling them and she told me that see wanted to give them to me for free. I thought she was crazy because studio lights are really expensive. Turns out she actually wanted to give me her who lighting system. It's professional equipment! I couldn't believe it. I've been praying about this for awhile and I didn't think God would answer my prayers that quickly. The fact that I just finished the music program in my school and the next day God opened the door to photography. I mean I know that I've been loving that art but I didn't think that there's more to it. God is so good. He's opened so many opportunities and all I have to do now is actually take them.

With that being said I'm going to start practicing with the lights and camera and start a really small photography business. I really want to try working with artist of all kinds. I think it would be great to start with something small. That way I can have some money while looking for an actual job. Pray for me please. All I can do now is keep moving forward with Christ. 

14. Shut Down

I don't understand why I completely shut myself down. I don't want to deal with anything or with anymore. I ALWAYS end up feeling like I did something wrong. I don't understand why. My life is changing everyday and I can't even grab a hold of anything. Nothing makes any sense when it comes to the people I cared about. I thought they would always have my back. People aren't perfect I understand that but why lie and make someone else feel bad about it. I've lost one friend after another. I thought everyone was fine because everyone has things going on for them. They have relationships, school, jobs anything! Why bring up the past? Why didn't anyone tell me anything about what they feel. instead of hiding it for so long and end up hating me.

I knew I wasn't stupid. Everyone has their own lives to deal with. That' perfectly understandable. People change I get it. So I lost all my best friends and ended up being with one of them. I guess our friendship didn't matter after all. I'll walk away then.

I can't grasp this at all. Like I want to fix this but it's not like anything is going to change. God confuses me almost all the time but I just hope all of this will make sense to me. I mean His understanding is far greater than my own. I'm human. I just wish I knew you know? But everything will come out eventually the way God intended to happen. And in all honesty that's all I can hope for.

I need prayer though. If anyone actually reads these: Please pray that I find peace in my chaotic mind.

13. Alone

So a few posts ago I shared with you how my mother told me who my real father is. He's been living in the Philippines for my whole life so I've never met him. When she first told me, I seemed fine. After years of wondering and suspicion she finally gave me the confirmation that I was right. I was satisfied with what I've been  waiting to hear.

To be really honest, I'm just hurt. I mean my whole life I felt alone. I wondered why I didn't have anything in common with my dad who's raised me. There was always a gap. No wonder my siblings and I don't really click.

How can someone lie for that long? 22 years of my life of feeling alone and different and never knowing the reason why. The worst part is, because I'm so hurt I'm hurting the people I love. No, I'm hurting the only person who ever loved me.

My real father left my mom when he found out that my mom was pregnant with me. The man who raised me lied like my mom did. My grandfather died when I was so young. All of a sudden my guard and wall came back. I'm so scared he's going to leave me and maybe I'm not a Christian. Because I trusted God and He gave me the truth. And now I just wish I wasn't alive...

You can't take back all the heartache. You just can't and it's hard to keep moving forward. I can't even sing. The one thing that makes me feel alive without anyone else... I don't want to do it.

I've been manipulated all my life and I still don't know who I am.

I'm happy that I have great people in my life. And there's not a day where I don't appreciate them. They made me feel like I mattered somehow. Even if it was in a small way.

12. Photography

So photography is like my fourth love to do. These are just a few of many of the photos I've taken. Thank you to these ladies who allowed me to take photos for my upcoming portfolio. Aside from singing and copsing to show my appreciation for art, photography is always fun for me. I mean yes, these are pictures of people but I do also like taking photos of the city. I just want to take more and more photos everyday. But I'm stuck doing the routine I feel like I'm just going to bored with everything. Almost like how I felt with the music department. Don't get me wrong, I love music. But you know too much of anything is always a drag no matter how much love you have for your art. I've taken so many pictures of my friends and the places we've all gone to but I wanted to see if I can do more than just memory shots. I love pictures that make you remember the good and bad times. But I also like taking photos that can tell a stories. Ever heard that saying "A picture has more than a thousand words" I want to see if my photos mean anything. Honeslty I love memories. It's so precious to so many people. The last two photos are more of my buisness part of photography. Becasue I'm an artist myself, I know how expensive a photoshoot for headshots are. I mean my photos aren't all that but I believe it's something. My friend Listte Alvarez has used her headshot for auditions and told me she got gigs. And my other friend Mello used that photo to advertise for her single that came out a year ago. I hope I get better at this soon though. I'd love to invest on a new camera and photography equipment. That would make life so mush easier. God has blessed me with the talent for music and photography. It's so fun! I hope this last for a really long time.


Lisa Adams

San Fransisco

                                                      

 



     Mello Apoyan

              
                                    

                                                  



Lisette Alvarez

 

11. Out in the Open

This is my father. He's been taking care of me for as long as I can remember. I have no words to really express how greatful and thankful I am that God has given him us in my life. He's the best father I can ever ask for. He is the father I hope my future husband would be life. Christ like. So patient and kind. So forgiving. And most of all loving. Even though I'm not his biological daughter.

Today, my mom finally told me who my real dad was. Not the one on the picture. The one on the picture is the man who raised me. He was the first man to love me. Aside from my grandpa Alex. (R.I.P)

I feel like God has prepped me up for this for the longest time. Growing up I was so hurt because I didn't know why I could never connect with my dad. I felt alone because I didn't feel like I belonged. Now, after everything I've been through, I'm okay. I just realized I have more family. Remember a few months back when I went to Temecula for my mom's friend's daughter's 18th party? Turns out they're my family. My mom's friend is my aunt and her kids are my cousins. They've been so nice to me. I didn't know why. Now I do.

After so many years the truth finally came out. Now I feel great.

I love you dad. You'll always be my father. Blood or not, you loved me as your own. So ladies, take a moment and hug your dad. He's trying and he loves you. And God also loves you.

10. Moving Forward

I'm not going to say much about what's been going on in my life but I will say this:

There are those who you think should last in your life forever.

There are those who you think deserve a place in your heart.

But sometimes, they won't let you be a part of them

Sometimes they don't want to hear you out

And sometimes you just have to let God take of everything after you tried every inch of you to help them.

I've been patient with the one person who's so special to me

And the only thing I can say is that I wish and pray that God will save her.

9. Growing

For the past five months, I finally realized that God has been working through me all my life. God has blessed me with the people who I face with everyday.

Back Then:

• My family would mentally abuse me because I was different. The only thing I would do is cry or ignore everything, or at least try to. I learned to be passive with every situation when it came to my family. 
• Depression was the death of me and that's all I can say that's how I can remember living. When you have no hope in your life you don't want to live. In my mind, I always thought there was no point. There was nothing to live for or nothing to lose. 
• Loneliness was my only companion. 
• I had no idea where I mattered. I didn't understand why I was put on this earth for. Life to me was only through my understanding. I never understood why anything happened: why did I suffer as much as I did. 

Now:

• God is my life. The moment I accepted Christ as my savior, I am more aware of my sins. I am more aware of how to handle things on this earth. 
• I'm hungry and thirsty for Christ. 
• I'm not as anxious as I use to be. Honestly that's a big thing.
• I trust God
• I'm learning how to handle situation and not feel alone because

God has been working through me this whole time and I'm at awe for everything that he's done for me. I'm beginning to understand the reasons why I go through life struggles. He's been calling me. For many years I've been in deep depression and all I felt was darkness. I felt trapped and hopeless. I can't really explain how great it feels to be a slave of Christ. Don't get me wrong, it's not always rainbows and butterflies but it's a lot easier to handle. I have hope. I have God.

8. Light

For a long time, I've been having a hard time to be really happy with my family. I've allowed my mother to control every little thing in my life; to the point where I didn't know who I was. It wasn't always easy to deal with and I thought having a husband would allow me to run away from my family forever because I was starting my own. (I'm not pregnant) I've always had a hard time to figure out how to deal with my mother when it came to me being respectful but also let her know that I don't agree with her. Because whatever I did, to her eyes I felt like she was always disappointed in me. She would always make me feel upset and guilty when I haven't done anything wrong.
Last night with I had some time with my sister in Christ who's the pastor's wife. I've learned to be more open to other people but it was a lot easier to be open to her as well. She listened very closely as I was asking for questions even though they weren't intentional questions. She then gave me a couple of verses from the bible to be a little more mindful when situations like this come again.

²² Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. ²³ Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. ²⁴ And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. ²⁵ Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

She turned every doubt I had and turned them into hope. It was crazy how the word of God just does that to your life.  She made me think about how I could handle arguments or conflicts with me and my family or sometimes Nehi (my fiancé). “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrel. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God come to their repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth” (2 Timothy 2:23-25). When people especially family have everything against you, the most common thing people do is yell back. I usually shut down and take the beating. I need to respond gently and let them know that I don’t agree. I’m not my mother’s servant. I’m a servant of the Lord and I follow his rule. From what I’ve learned I’m going to pass along the good work of God. I need to learn how to not run away and face my problems with Christ. It’s going to take some time but I’m glad I’m not alone on this.
I have Nehi, my brothers and sisters of Christ and more importantly Jesus Christ alone.
My sister in Christ also brought out an interesting concept about my fiancé. She said “Don’t count on Nehi to save you because he’s going to fail. You’re going to fail. Count on Jesus to save you. He already saved your soul. Jesus is the foundation of your relationship” I 100% understand what she’s saying. I mean before when I was growing up, I would always say that I need a man who loves God more than me but I never applied it to my own life. I need to love and trust God more than anyone else.

Another thing she pointed out was how it’s easy to run away. It’s easy to shut down. She said, “I’m sure you thought that when you and Nehi get married that’s it for you. You plan to never see your family ever again because you have a life with Nehi now.” She told me how I’ve been trying to be the light of my family alone for the longest time. “You and Nehi need to be the light in your family. Be the example of a Christian family.” She said. The more I sat there listening to her it was like God is working through this relationship not only through me but maybe through my family. I’ve been carrying so much anger because of them I didn’t realize how long they’ve been in the dark. Growing up I never really had an example of a healthy family. The fact that my relationship with not only with Nehi but with Christ might just save them it’s amazing. She said, "Be the light for your family like how Jesus was the light for the world and saved us all from our sins."

Dealing with people is always something that’s going to be difficult. But you don’t have to be alone. Maybe God is telling me to help my family be saved. God has a plan, and all I have to do is trust him.

 

7. Smiles

I'm a part of an non profit organization called PIECES. It's an organization that helps young adults like myself create and maintain their art. PIECES support all types of visual arts from painting to music and dancing, we support it. Anyways, my boss who is the founder of PIECES asked me to help him host a art exhibition which is not a part of the organization but whatever. After, I helped himation the exhibition, I go to the studio where all the magic happens for PIECES members. My boss told my fiancé that there were two people coming to check out the studio so we provided them a small tour. They were very impressed with the art work that was around the wall. There are instruments for rehearsal space, recording equipment, records, canvases, and many instruments for the members to use. So while we were all talking, the two men asked my fiancé if he could show them a preview of their music. He turned to me and asked me if I wanted to sing and I said yes. The two men didn't realize that I was a musician. Their smiles were so nice, for some reason I didn't think they were genuine about their reaction to the music. For some reason I haven't seen smiles like that I sing or perform. My fiancé and I played another song where he and I are singing and they we're speechless. Their reaction  was such a blessing to me because for some reasons I forgot how it felt for people to actually enjoy when I perform.

Nehi (my fiancé) and I left PIECES to grab something to eat. We come back to the Boys and Girls Club (which is where the exhibit was held) and saw that there was a small event going on. We hung out with our boss upstairs and talked about what our next goal in our careers would be.  This would always be a rough topic because majority of the time I'm not really sure what I want to do. I mean music and photography yeah but it's so on and off , I just go with it. 

The people that were hosting the event invited to eat with them. We were full but Nehi and I were already on our way to leave so we checked it out either way. We started talking about PIECES and our art, they asked us to sing for them and we were down. We sang a couple songs and everyone loved it. I'm so happy when people enjoy watching what I enjoy doing. Music is so heartwarming for me and I really don't see myself doing anything else. 

There was a little girl who came up to me and just smiled. I asked her what was her name, her name was Valeri. I asked her if she liked to sing too and she yes. Then I asked her if she could sing for me and she started to sing Happy by Pharell Williams. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen. She looked at me with complete joy I was about to cry. The look in her eyes was just amazing. After she sang to me I have her a hug and told her to keep singing. 

Sometimes people forget to smile because they get so caught in life they don't have time to enjoy what really counts. The smiles and that little girl reminded me why I loved to perform. They reminded me that I actually have a purpose with music. Very heartwarming today and God has blessed me graciously and I'm thankful for that. 

6. Living with Unbelievers

Please tell me if it's wrong to walk away from your parents. After all the hard work they've done for you to be alive, you walk away. Here's the catch though, for many years they've made you feel like you've been a problem or you haven't done anything for them or they make you feel worthless. How many times am I going to let my family step all over me? How long am I going to let everyone judge me for something I'm not. How many times will I have to feel guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong? 

This was why my faith with God was so shaky. I didn't have that loved feeling when I was growing up. Judged was more like it. I had to reach high expectations and when I met them it was nothing to them. I tried my very best to make everyone happy I forgot about my own happiness. The questions I would always ask to God "Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain?" The only thing I felt was how much I deserved to be treated bad. That I deserved being alone when there were people surrounding me. 

Why do I have to live in place where I'm surrounded by unbelievers? What can I do when I want to talk to someone about my walk with Christ all they will do is judge me. Why do I have to face a group where the only thing they do is gossip and only talk about money and call them my family? 

Through all of this, God has given me my fiancé. I've gone through this on my own countless of times but I always end up wanting to kill myself. God has sent someone who reminds me that God is there to protect my heart. That I should trust him my questions are not "why me?" but "please give me strength" I don't want to crawl anymore. I want to walk with Christ forever. God has given me my future husband who's family already treats me like blood. The way my family has never treated me. I told my fiancé last night, "you know as much as I love the whole family thing, I don't know how that feels. I've never felt that."For the past few months I've been feeling that love with his family and from church. My relationship with Christ has grown, and I can't even explain how amazing that feels. The most amazing part about all of this is that I'm learning to not only trust in other people but trust in God. The fact that I trust anyone at is something. 

God is saving me from my own death. I'm so grateful of all that things he's done for me. It's not easy to live like this but I trust in God and thank him for all the blessings, the struggles, and the people he's given me to get through this world. Without them, I would be lost forever. 

5: Motivation

College! Something that parents and teachers throw at you when you're in grade school and high school. They tell you that if you don't go to college you can't make it in life. What if you can't make it through college? What then? For the past year, I've been struggling to be on too of everything like how I use to. Having a high GPA of 3.8 was something I tried keeping until life happened. I always believed that I could handle many things as long as I didn't handle them alone. People believed in me and made me believe in myself. Unfortunately I let at all get into my head. I'm burned out! I've been strong for too long and I am tired. The worst part is that I don't think I've really gotten anything done. I've worked hard and forgot why I worked hard in the first place. I was more concerd about my professors approval than my own happiness. I lost sight of the passion that led me to why I started music in the first place.

I skipped two days of school because I don't want to get up to do the same thing I've been doing for the last 2 1/2 years. You think that's short? Everyone's different. For 2 years I've been giving 150% of my life and energy just to keep up. My work ethics were crazy good but I just crashed. There's nothing else I can do because my motivation was thrown out the window.

I've prayed a few times about it but I still don't know what else to do. . . No that's a lie I think I need to really part about this. I half ass everything I do now. It's not how I am. But for some reason I'm being content about it.

4. Not Always Rainbows

Let's face it, I can't keep up with a daily blog entry but I'll try to blog as much as I can.

Anyways, last time I wrote about how I wanted to be sure about being married to  my fiance. I actually had to have a conversation with him about it. It was the hardest thing because I keep thinking that I don't want him or something. It's not even that, it's just I'm not always sure about anything in general. But I didn't want to treat him like he's just another choice that later on I'll change my mind. I know he was hurt. I ever meant to hurt him. But seeing him like that made me cry. I love him with all of me. That doesn't make sense but I don't care. He's everything to me and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. The moment he said "this is your choice then. I'm not going to push you anymore." My heart dropped like  no tomorrow. I wanted him more than I ever thought. Relationships are about being there for each other, loving each other through their actions. All I want to do is love him. I want to show him that there is no one else and no where else I'd rather be but by his side.

You'd think that relationships are about the rainbows and sunshine but it's the storm that makes the rainbow even more beautiful.

Daily Entry 3: I'm Engaged

For those who don't know, I'm engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever known. He can be the most stubborn person in the planet but who isn't right? Well anyways, he's been a part of my life for the past two years I've lived in LA. He's my music partner and brother in Christ. The only thing is, I'm a new believer. I tend to have a wondering mind. Sometimes I'm nor even sure in what I believe in. That's actually a problem. well for one, I don't want to hurt him because of my own mind. I love him with all my heart don't mistake that. I'd do anything for him but I don't want to lie about it. I don't think I'm lying when it comes to my faith because I do believe that God is doing wonders in my life. He's blessed me with the man that I love, the friends I cherish and the opportunities he's given me so far.

I wasn't really thinking about all of these things until a friend of mine. . . maybe a friend I'm not sure. But she was asking why we were moving too fast. I honestly didn't have an answer. The only answer I could give her was how much I love him but I didn't even say that. I do love him. There's no doubt about it. But why couldn't I just say it? She would ask, "you have an idea how you want to do your wedding?" or "you have plans where it's going to be?" It's annoying when people ask me so many questions and I have no way of answering it. Honestly how in the world would I know what my plans are? \

I met up with two of my friends afterwords and we started to plan my wedding: which wasn't going to happen until 9 months from now. They were talking about the budget, the place, the date, everything. Obviously it's something worth thinking about. I wasn't upset about thinking about it. I was more concern if it was possible. The only income I have is from school, my financial aid, which is great and all but I need a job. The main situation is, I started to questing my marriage.

The big question is, "Am I really ready?" I don't have a job, still go to school, can't drive, don't live on my own. . . You start to wonder if you're ready to be with someone else if you can't even take care of yourself. Now I have to be responsible for his spiritual walk? When we talked about it I felt like I was ready but when people ask or makes me make them sure that I know what I'm doing, I feel like I don't Why do I have to prove to other people how much I love him. I want to prove to him and God that I love my fiance. That I'm going to love my husband as long as I live. I just hope that I'm ready for it. Regardless of what I'm confused about I want to be sure that I'm ready.

Daily Entry 2: Piano and voice

So I have two intermediate piano classes; classical and commercial piano. They're really challenging on their own let alone together. Well anyways I'm not one of the best players in the department but I try my very best. The only problem is is that they're too hard! I keep forgetting I'm not a pianist. It's not like I'm going to accompany people all the time. Or I'm not going to be performing in an orchestra. I'm a vocalist! It's like why can't I remember that? Here I am busting my butt of for something I won't be really using. Don't get me wrong playing and learning technique has made me a better performer and songwriter. It's just something I need to get over of. I've become a piano student. I've looked through my voice music at least a few times. I've been learning and practicing the same music for almost two weeks straight now and I'm still not done learning it. Bach is way too hard for me. I guess I have to really remember that I'm a singer not a pianist.  To top it all off , I'm not even learning the music I want to for voice.

Yes, I know that sounds snobby but hear me out. I've been singing commercial voice for as long as I can remember and after three semesters of vocal training for mix voice, I end getting a new coach to sing classical. I mean I get it, you want me to learn so my voice doesn't die out easily. But honestly, singing commercial is  my forte. But as always, I'm up for a challenge and I'm going to sing musical theatre I  an  operatic style. It's going to be beneficiary somehow I hope. 

It takes a lot to keep on going when the world pulls you down. The only thing you can really do is remember to breathe and have fun. Music is t heartless. It always has a beat. Don't let the passion die. 

-Lyn 

Daily Entry 1: 2014

The last blog I've posted was in 2011. That's been awhile I think I'm just going to do this again just to get my head out here. My tumblr is a little too public for all of my feelings but either way I'm going to write here too.

So, in 2011 I was just in the process of my first semester in college. Well, now that it's 2014. I'm still in school. I'm not even sure if I'm almost done. Most likely not because I've been too focused on school work for being a music major. I honestly didn't think music would take everything that I had. All my time and energy went towards music for the school. I had little time for my own music but the classes did help me to improve on my performance and writing skills. I've been studying music now for the last 2 years. I must say, it's been hard. Music takes so much energy and discipline I never thought it would take this much. But I worked as much as I could. Never knowing exactly what it took to be a music major I went through it.

Though music is almost the only thing that make me happy, I found love in photography as well. But unlike music, I don't want to take classes to become a photographer. I don't plan on changing my major to photography. My plan is to learn online and through books. Most of my photographer friends taught themselves how to work the camera. Either way, I don't think I'm set out to do one thing in my life. God has a purpose for me and all I can do is do all things through him. But pf course life happens and I'm trying to trust in God. That's all I need to do anyways.

Thanks for reading. I hope I have more interesting things to read about in the near future.

Lyn.