30. Musical Update

Due to recent events I haven't been allowing myself to share what's been going on. I don't even remember what was the last thing I shared other than what I've been going through spiritually.

Musically: The last time I did a show was in July 2015 at the Whiskey A Go Go with my new band. It was an amazing show! The fact that most of the people who were there were all new in my life. I was blessed to see old faces again as well. It gave me a sense of humbleness because I didn't think people would show and I didn't know people actually supported me. Anyways it was an amazing experience for one reason my new band were all christian not saying that non christians don't play well or anything I just felt that everyone would understand the goal of my music and why we perform was for God and not for money or fame or something else I wouldn't know about. Point is, we perform to give glory to God not others or ourselves. I'd like to have a mutual understanding on that.

After a few months of not really doing anything, I decided to share what my plans were. They're still my plans don't get me wrong I just had a set back. Small story short, I would like to write music about how God changed my life so that I would share it to whoever can hear it. Maybe share the gospel. For now, I'll try to share songs that helped me see God's grace. The way God showed himself to me is music and I'd like to give it back the best I know how; writing, singing, performing, and sharing. With that being said I'll be doing a cover series on YouTube. Worship Series. A playlist of what saved me and what keeps me going to live God's purpose. I hope you will be encouraged in some way or maybe you might enjoy it.

Thank you for reading.

29. Don't Let the Past Win Your Future

I can never really take back what happened in the past. There's nothing anyone else can do for the fact that it's already been done. People say you live, learn, and move on. For the past few weeks I felt like my past has been haunting me. I've been sucked in a lapse where all my failures and loneliness was getting the better of me. You ever felt so alone you'd rather be somewhere where no one really knows you and you're free to just be another person? For days I've been having a desire of moving or just packing whatever I have and just leave and pray that God will handle the rest. I wanted to run even though I didn't have a direction to run to. I mean it'd be obvious to run to the Lord and try to see where the root of my sin was. 

One day, I almost lost it. The only problem was I didn't even know who or where to go. The only thing that kept running my mind was "No one knows what you're going through and no one cares" I can an old friend from college who is a non believer. We'd get along really well, have deep conversations, and high level of respects when it came to our passion for the arts. The whole I wanted to explain but I usually have a problem articulating my thoughts and emotions. I don't think people really understand the crazy in my mind... Anyways, we eventually talked about my "unfortunate" situation. My key words we I felt lonely and purposeless. The way he tried to describe the way I should live was to be independent. There's nothing really wrong with that but what was he really talking about? He was trying to emphasize how being independent can make someone content in life. As I listened to my friend talk about being content in every situation (be happy when you're sad at certain situations) I felt like I ran into a wall. 

Some people do care at a point but that should not be the source of your hope. Where people lack Christ DOES NOT. My friend wanted to voice how people will fail you (which I agree on completely)that's why we need to rely on ourselves (not so much) I told him the only way I can get through anything is through Christ. "Then why do you feel alone all the time?" he asked. I sat there and thought I'm not always lonely, I'm usually content with my life.  I started to explain how I'm a human and I tend to fall off track and need a good help here and there to remind myself I trust in the Lord. I explained to him how why my world has been different since I finished the music program at LACC. I have a whole different perspective on how I run my life. Here's another thing I always have to remember, I DON'T RUN MY LIFE. I sat in awe talking to my friend on how blessed I feel to know that I'm not in control of my life. God is in total control of every aspect of this world. "I feel that's just being lazy" he says "that's like a parent spoiling their child and God is spoiling Christians." I had to really think about that. The difference between human parents and God is that parents fall short: they fail but my God does not. God wants to have a relationship with you anyways! God is a FATHER who wants a relationship with you. What does a child do? ASK their parents. Children learn and disobey I'm not ashamed how I long for Christ everyday. If I'm spoiled, then I'm spoiled. Everything will be done at the time He wants it to happen. Weather it would be having a new job, a new apartment, a new life, a husband... His purpose is far more better than what I thought my purpose is.

I was not content. I complained on how no one understands me and I feel alone. I complained about how life doesn't make any sense. I thought I did what I did just to find worth or purpose. My purpose is not known but God is always working in my life. I didn't trust in God. 

So as I sat there talking to my friend I wanted to slap myself in the face. First of all talking to a non believer about your faith is not the best idea. They don't understand the depth of the struggles you face. They can voice what they believe. God gave me that test so that I know my faith in God is real. It's not perfect but it's real. Second, I knew how to solve my problems, praying and reading the word. There's nothing like God's word to save your soul. Don't ever think you don't have a purpose. Don't ever think God is working you too much. Rely on Him whenever wherever all the time. ALL THE TIME.  

Trust and Love God.  

28. I Just Cried

I'm a block away from my apartment, haven't crossed the street and I hear a honk. A car is in front of me, stopped in the middle of the road a man staring straight at me and  makes a kiss face and licks his lips... I don't understand why that's okay. Women are not food or candy to drool over. It's disgusting. It didn't stop there though, the look of other men just staring at me, their eyes felt like knives and their smiles made me cringe. I'm waiting at a bus stop and an old man passed me, looked straight at me stopped and said hi. Okay I'm a nice person I can say hi back. He walks away and he comes around my way one more time...  He said "you're alone?" was what I thought he said. I had no intentions of continuing the conversation. I knoded my head and tried to walk away. He said it again "you come home with me. I'll pay you" ....... "I'll pay you" I walked away and said "No... No thank you" I really wanted to punch that guy. I wanted to kick him... Yell... Anything. But all I said was no thank you.

As the bus comes, I'm holding in every single anger inside of me. I prayed and started to ask God questions. I tried to stay focus but the old man was in the bus. I wanted to cry... But I didnt want anyone to see... I didn't want the old man to see me cry. As soon as he got off the bus tears wefe rushing down my face. I was in so much pain I couldn't handle it. Why are there men like this? Why do they look at women with discusting thoughts. These are only thoughts... I started to think about the women who are in real danger of getting raped and killed... It's so hard to think that it really does happen out there. I can't help but cry.

27. I'm That Person

The person who sits and watches everyone else be themselves.

The person who thinks it's better to see everyone live their dreams because I'm too afraid to pick one.

The person who picks a dream, gives that dream 110% and end with doubt.

The person who never stops on believing that there is a reason: a reaon to be worth mentioning.

The person who accepts Christ to reject that selfish need to be noticed and love.

But never seems to fully let go.

The person who cant stand being alone.

But rather be alone than being hurt.

Even though being alone hurts.

Wants to accept that God is all she needs.

But still cant understand why.

I'm that person who can't deal with the fact that someone loves her.

26. Birthday

So my birthday isn't until technically tomorrow but whatever. 

This morning on my way to church, a brother in Christ asked me, "Now that you're 24, do you feel any different?" Usually my answer would be no because it just feels like another day. Then I really thought about it... My whole life changed when I truly denied myself and desires and accepted the Lord. A year I thought I was where I am today. I thought I was loving the Lord with all my heart and soul but then it got to me. I only loved him because He gave me what I wanted the most. Earthy Love. Love from my ex fiancé, friends, and church family. I didn't realize that the love I should be grateful for is God's love. Him and him alone. I praise God for every trial that happen. From the break up to disband to knowing who my real father was to seeing my parents on the edge of divorce to being shunned by family because my faith was offending them... If Christ was not working in my life I wouldn't be writing this. 

In a year I've learned how to study God's word, obey, and teach. I've learned how to counsel through scripture and not experience alone. I've learned to love others again. Learned how to love myself again. I've learned how to be an adult... I've learned how to say NO. I've learned to glorify the Lord in everything that I do. Praise God for His grace. 

I sat there and cried over and over again because HE LOVES ME. God has been working in my life and I can't even grasp why. No greater love to show me all of this. I was overwhelmed with all the changes and people He brought. From Crossview to Santa Monica Church to other individuals who are believers... I was never alone. So whenever you feel like you're going through something and your faith has been tested: 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

25. Baptism

A year ago today, was an act of obedience. 

Four years ago in November, I denied myself to follow Christ. 

Exactly a year ago, I was baptized. I remember how excited I was. I don't remember why but just being obedient to the Lord's command was good enough for me. In a year... God has been working in my life and let me tell you I wasn't always up for it. I had to really deny my selfish desires and really trust in the Lord because we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) 

There are so many things in life that happens and it gets you really anxious and tired. Find comfort and rest in the Lord. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) 

But more importantly, what I've learned so far an still learning is how to evangelize and disciple. Because God's command is so great you can't deny him Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20) 

24. Wedding Day

It didn't occur to me that a year ago today would've been my one year anniversary. I've been getting a lot of "are you okay" or "do you miss him" you know the usual questions... 

I am grateful. I'm relieved and humbled by everything that happened last year. I've learned a lot more than I could ever imagine. You see the thing is, what I've learned on my own was what I wanted to learn with Nehi. God had other plans. He made me realize the only one I should depend, rely on, and trust is Him. God is the ultimate provider and protector. 

A lot has changed. A lot of tears and mourning. A lot of transformation. More importantly a lot of growth. 

It was great learning about the roles of a husband and wife though. Now that I know how to really look in a godly man and it's been interesting. Not that I'm dating or looking it's more of a realization.  

But more importantly, just focus on your relationship with God. There's no other relationship worth keeping and worth fighting for. God has something greater for me and I can't even grasp. For now I enjoy serving my church and serving others around me. More than anything, serving the Lord. 

God knows and has planned everything way before you were born. For his purpose and glory. When you're faced with trials, God is testing you on your saving faith. Even though he already knows, you have to know where you stand in Christ. It's a great confirmation when you walk with Christ after all the trials. 

I feel like I just wrote a bunch of stuff with no actual key message. Love yourself but always love the Lord. Don't fall into the idea of "Happily Ever After" because God is more than that. He will always be faithful and will provide you with wisdom and strength. 

23. Happy Father's Day

So I’m meeting my dad’s side of the family for the first time… Knowing that I’m a part of their family. It’s been a year since I was told who my real dad was. It was the most painful and relieving news I’ve heard. It has changed my life and I for one wouldn’t know how to handle it if God didn’t allow me to. I’m a little nervous but more importantly I just hope I don’t become bitter. I’ve forgiven everyone especially my parents but you know sometimes you figure out yourself you haven’t truly forgiven when you have a conversation and you find yourself clenching your fist. I won’t be meeting my real dad but I do get to spend some time with my DAD the one who raised me. I was never mad at him when he didn’t want to tell me. Not that he didn’t want to he was just protecting me, guarding my heart because he knew what kind of an emotional wreck I was, still am but not as much. He’s a very kind and strong father. Even though we have nothing in common, I know he values a promise and his children. I’m not even his child he took me as his own. I know tomorrow’s Father’s Day but you should always appreciate your dads or any man who’s been a father figure in your life. Tell him you love him, and you are grateful. Remember who loves you more though, God the Father. For no one will ever love you more than Him.

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!

1 Chronicles 16:34 

22. Growing

If this was a few months ago you'd be the first person I'd call for comfort. 

Call for acceptance and love 

Question my faith 

Fall into sin 

Love you not Christ 

But by God's grace I called Him 

He comforts 

He accepts 

He loves 

He saves 

21. Transition Stage

The last post was about how my old church disbanded. A lot has changed since then. 

I moved out of my parents place

I found a new church family 

It may not seem a lot but it's really huge to me. I haven't been so focused with Christ before it's really new to me. I finally moved on from all the break ups and disband. I accepted His blessings and I never felt so relieved. Trust the Lord with everything and he will provide. Don't ever lie in your misery. You're allowed to mourn but don't stay there. God does not want you to stay there. You need to move no matter what happens because He has your back. I can't really explain how great it is to be strong or at least have total trust in Him. Several months ago I didn't even want to get up. I didn't want to trust anyone or make an effort to be a part of any church. 

Now that Crossview is over the Lord has shown me Santa Monica Church. Another church plant. My desire to serve has grown ten times over. I just want to serve now and see what the Lord has for me. In a few weeks Pastor Zach is going to introduce me as an official member of the church. He said he wanted to start teaching me how to disciple and counsel others maybe be in leadership. He'd start right away so I can start in a few years maybe. Biblical counseling has been really heavy in my heart lately and having the option to learn is such a blessing. My hunger for God and his word has grown and I just want to live for Him. I want to be a faithful servant.