I have to confess something... I'm still hurt with the lie my mom told me a few years ago. I don't think she knows the damage it has done to me. It's not even her fault... well I don't know. She should've told me from the beginning or at least when I asked her instead of making me feel horrible for asking. Because of all of that I guess I just felt this loneliness and bitterness towards any chance to talk to her. I never felt like I fit in anywhere and I never had the chance to see what love was.
I'm sure my mom made so many sacrifices for her children but why does she have to constantly remind me how ungrateful I am? The way she wants me to show her is by getting a job she demands me to have to love for her. The fact that she kept everything from me I feel like she just wanted to keep everything in the past.
Why am I so biter towards her? I'm sure I've done so many stupid things to her... I said sorry to her though agh. How can I be Christ like if I can't find it in my heart to forgive the person who I loved the most? She lied to me! I would've understood why I was such a lonely person and why I don't have anything in common with other people. I mean who does that? Whenever I would tell her how I feel..." you're so sensitive" That's because you have no idea how it feels to know the fact that you are alone.
The day I wanted to kill myself you didn't understand why. When I told you exactly what it was, all you did was say how bad of a mother you were and how I never appreciated you. I told you I couldn't live up to your expectations for me. I felt alone and depressed mainly because I had to fit in a family I obviously had nothing in common with. How do you connect with strangers? The puzzles never fit.
I wanted to die because I didn't know how to make you happy.
How do let 10 years of hurt go like that?
You try to remember so many people hurt Jesus.
Yet HE still LOVES you.
He died for your sins.
I don't know if I'll ever be like Christ when it comes to constantly forgiving my mom or asking for forgiveness from her. I pray that one day she'll understand why I've been hurting and I pray one day I'll understand why she had to lie to me. I pray for her salvation. I pray she finds peace even though she's in constant denial.
Monday, February 29, 2016
31. 2016 So Far
It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Here's a quick update!
I've been teaching Sunday School with one kid at church which is pretty interesting. Using my daycare experience with the bible is really fun. We don't have many families to minister to in our church. If you guys would like to pray for families that would be great!
I've met 2 of my 2016 goals which is a good start.
1. Cafe Night Photography Exhibition
This past month I had a gallery opening at PIECES. Cafe Night was a pretty fun intense day. For a few months I took photos of the local cafes in Los Angeles. Every cafe had their own vibe and energy. After taking all the photos I learned how to print, matte, frame and install for the gallery. I prepared an "Open Mic for the event. I had my artist friends perform their original work. There was a lot of love and I couldn't be more satisfied. Praise God for that :)
2. Discipleship
I'm finally discipling someone. My pastor has been encouraging our church to do it. He's trying to equip everyone to teaching everyone so that whoever comes to our church we know how serve and teach others. Him we proclaim warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. Colossians 1:28 I mean other than the fact that it's required from us as a follower. I gotta tell you it was a little nerve wrecking at first but then something my pastor told me "this is to glorify God and not yourself or the other person." "commit this to prayer"
Next 2 of my 2016 goals
3. plan trip to the Philippines
It's actually in the works right now. I'm planning my trip to the Philippines in the summer. Why am I going? Well I think it's about time to have a vacation haha. Main reason why I'm going is to meet my biological father for the first time. Quick update on that, I recently found out that I had a different father and so it took me awhile to accept and move forward from that. God's grace he's given me the strength to move forward and talk to my biological father and half sister from the Philippines. Lord willing I will be gone for 2 months and will be back safe. I'll keep you all updated with that!
4. Driver's license
It'e been a long time coming haha
Oh there's this guy...
to be continued :)
I've been teaching Sunday School with one kid at church which is pretty interesting. Using my daycare experience with the bible is really fun. We don't have many families to minister to in our church. If you guys would like to pray for families that would be great!
I've met 2 of my 2016 goals which is a good start.
1. Cafe Night Photography Exhibition
This past month I had a gallery opening at PIECES. Cafe Night was a pretty fun intense day. For a few months I took photos of the local cafes in Los Angeles. Every cafe had their own vibe and energy. After taking all the photos I learned how to print, matte, frame and install for the gallery. I prepared an "Open Mic for the event. I had my artist friends perform their original work. There was a lot of love and I couldn't be more satisfied. Praise God for that :)
2. Discipleship
I'm finally discipling someone. My pastor has been encouraging our church to do it. He's trying to equip everyone to teaching everyone so that whoever comes to our church we know how serve and teach others. Him we proclaim warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. Colossians 1:28 I mean other than the fact that it's required from us as a follower. I gotta tell you it was a little nerve wrecking at first but then something my pastor told me "this is to glorify God and not yourself or the other person." "commit this to prayer"
Next 2 of my 2016 goals
3. plan trip to the Philippines
It's actually in the works right now. I'm planning my trip to the Philippines in the summer. Why am I going? Well I think it's about time to have a vacation haha. Main reason why I'm going is to meet my biological father for the first time. Quick update on that, I recently found out that I had a different father and so it took me awhile to accept and move forward from that. God's grace he's given me the strength to move forward and talk to my biological father and half sister from the Philippines. Lord willing I will be gone for 2 months and will be back safe. I'll keep you all updated with that!
4. Driver's license
It'e been a long time coming haha
Oh there's this guy...
to be continued :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)