You know the devil has the worst timing for you but best timing for him. I thought I had everything figured out... Which in all honesty no one ever really does. That's what your 20s are about right? In your 20s you find out who you are and what your purpose is in life. Half the time I just walk blindly because I'm to afraid to admit that I have no idea what's next. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to feel. For the longest time I've been trying to figure out where my identity lies. Now as a Christian I should be content that my identity lies in Christ.
Half the time I don't know what's going on. I'm at a bible study and we're on 2 Samuel talking about how God made a promise to David that he would be king. The point is that God keeps his promises. His promise to me is eternal life with him after this life... What about right now? What should I be doing now? How or what do I do to glorify God now?
Then I think about my music. How am I glorifying God? My music is about self empowerment, love, and sorrow... It's changing now but I honestly don't see myself going any further. It's so discouraging because that's all I want to do. That was my goal ever since I picked up a guitar and realized that this is what I'm good at.
Looking at my life right now. I work in an office. Scanning papers and checking other people's mistakes, Do not get me wrong I am grateful for this job that I have right now. I'm no longer taking care of other people's babies. But as I look on my Facebook feed and see that everyone who I grew up with is successful. Successful in terms that they're doing what they planned to be at this age.
Six years later I haven't found the thing I really want to pursue other than music but it doesn't look like it's going anywhere. Is this not what God wants? Am I not suppose to write music and perform? Sometimes I wish I knew. That way I can stop now or keep pushing. Do I go back to school and finish so that I can teach music?
There are times I tend to forget that I grew up thinking that only thing to make me happy is to do what makes me happy... Not to say that God is taking that from me. What I'm trying to say is, I don't know what would make me happy in a long run. Sometimes you think you do but it turns out that God knows more than you can ever imagine. It's hard to believe sometimes because I'm use to making myself feel better. I think I'm in control of everything around me (which is totally not true) so that the only person I can blame is myself. I don't blame God that I'm not where I want to be. I'm upset because I can't seem to be content and grateful with the blessings God has given me.
I need to trust in the Lord more and not compare myself to other people. Success is not about the fancy car a house, or a lot of money. I just want to be content with where I am. This selfish desire of knowing that I'll be okay just drives me to sin even more. I end up complaining, get depressed and then I find myself giving up again. I think I'm crazy half the time because I find it difficult to know what I want. Then I forget that I haven't even prayed about it.
Transitions are hard. Especially when you don't know you're ready for them.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him. and he will make straight your path.
Proverbs 3:5
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose
Romans 8:28
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself, sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33
Thank you for reading.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
33. New York. . . Kinda
For the very first time this girl went to her dream city, New York. I never thought the day would come where I would fly out there. I've watched all the movies and shows about New York it literally was a dream come true. The Lord definitely provided. A couple months before my friend and I finalized the New York trip, I've been worried and shaken about life. (That seems to happen a lot) I felt like I was in cycle of depression I couldn't find myself out of it no matter how many times I thought I had complete faith in God. I had a huge conversation with my friend Omelia about my depression and anxiety. That conversation wasn't even on the agenda of conversations. I didn't want to admit that I was struggling with anything. I didn't want to look like I was always complaining because I was never satisfied with where I am in life. All in all I was just discouraged because I didn't know if I was glorifying the Lord the way that I should. I stopped reading at one point. I also stopped talking to my church family. Even though I was there I wasn't really there. My mind was always wondering but I was always convicted from not trusting God enough. I wanted to be numb because I was tired of feeling lost.
One thing that she told me was how sometimes the biggest question I can ask God is for strength to admit I need help. Sometimes it requires strength to even pray. I needed more help with getting up and walking than the actual direction of where to go. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders the moment she said that. I finally had the courage to ask for comfort and grace to move even in the slightest way. Next thing I knew God woke me up the next day, ready. Ready for the world. I started working out, fixed my resume . . . started to fix my life. It wasn't a huge change it was a small change that made a actual impact. I'm going to move back with my parents in about two weeks. Never thought I would do that again. I think it's God's way of saying that I've been away long enough and I need to be a light to my family now.
About New York. . . I know it's the title of this blog but it's all adding up to this point here. Flying to New York is almost the best thing that has ever happened to me so far. It was always a dream of mine to visit and also to live there. But more on that later. I felt so at home and peaceful even though it's not a peaceful city it was peaceful none the less. God's timing is perfect and I tend to forget that. I forget that God is sovereign. I forget God cares and loves His children. The trip couldn't be anymore perfect. Not because of the sights but how God is not limited by anyone or anything. From this trip I've learned how he takes care of his children and blesses them. It takes a lot of strength to move forward. Even more strength to admit failure and you're needed of a savior.
One thing that she told me was how sometimes the biggest question I can ask God is for strength to admit I need help. Sometimes it requires strength to even pray. I needed more help with getting up and walking than the actual direction of where to go. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders the moment she said that. I finally had the courage to ask for comfort and grace to move even in the slightest way. Next thing I knew God woke me up the next day, ready. Ready for the world. I started working out, fixed my resume . . . started to fix my life. It wasn't a huge change it was a small change that made a actual impact. I'm going to move back with my parents in about two weeks. Never thought I would do that again. I think it's God's way of saying that I've been away long enough and I need to be a light to my family now.
About New York. . . I know it's the title of this blog but it's all adding up to this point here. Flying to New York is almost the best thing that has ever happened to me so far. It was always a dream of mine to visit and also to live there. But more on that later. I felt so at home and peaceful even though it's not a peaceful city it was peaceful none the less. God's timing is perfect and I tend to forget that. I forget that God is sovereign. I forget God cares and loves His children. The trip couldn't be anymore perfect. Not because of the sights but how God is not limited by anyone or anything. From this trip I've learned how he takes care of his children and blesses them. It takes a lot of strength to move forward. Even more strength to admit failure and you're needed of a savior.
Monday, February 29, 2016
32. Forgiveness
I have to confess something... I'm still hurt with the lie my mom told me a few years ago. I don't think she knows the damage it has done to me. It's not even her fault... well I don't know. She should've told me from the beginning or at least when I asked her instead of making me feel horrible for asking. Because of all of that I guess I just felt this loneliness and bitterness towards any chance to talk to her. I never felt like I fit in anywhere and I never had the chance to see what love was.
I'm sure my mom made so many sacrifices for her children but why does she have to constantly remind me how ungrateful I am? The way she wants me to show her is by getting a job she demands me to have to love for her. The fact that she kept everything from me I feel like she just wanted to keep everything in the past.
Why am I so biter towards her? I'm sure I've done so many stupid things to her... I said sorry to her though agh. How can I be Christ like if I can't find it in my heart to forgive the person who I loved the most? She lied to me! I would've understood why I was such a lonely person and why I don't have anything in common with other people. I mean who does that? Whenever I would tell her how I feel..." you're so sensitive" That's because you have no idea how it feels to know the fact that you are alone.
The day I wanted to kill myself you didn't understand why. When I told you exactly what it was, all you did was say how bad of a mother you were and how I never appreciated you. I told you I couldn't live up to your expectations for me. I felt alone and depressed mainly because I had to fit in a family I obviously had nothing in common with. How do you connect with strangers? The puzzles never fit.
I wanted to die because I didn't know how to make you happy.
How do let 10 years of hurt go like that?
You try to remember so many people hurt Jesus.
Yet HE still LOVES you.
He died for your sins.
I don't know if I'll ever be like Christ when it comes to constantly forgiving my mom or asking for forgiveness from her. I pray that one day she'll understand why I've been hurting and I pray one day I'll understand why she had to lie to me. I pray for her salvation. I pray she finds peace even though she's in constant denial.
I'm sure my mom made so many sacrifices for her children but why does she have to constantly remind me how ungrateful I am? The way she wants me to show her is by getting a job she demands me to have to love for her. The fact that she kept everything from me I feel like she just wanted to keep everything in the past.
Why am I so biter towards her? I'm sure I've done so many stupid things to her... I said sorry to her though agh. How can I be Christ like if I can't find it in my heart to forgive the person who I loved the most? She lied to me! I would've understood why I was such a lonely person and why I don't have anything in common with other people. I mean who does that? Whenever I would tell her how I feel..." you're so sensitive" That's because you have no idea how it feels to know the fact that you are alone.
The day I wanted to kill myself you didn't understand why. When I told you exactly what it was, all you did was say how bad of a mother you were and how I never appreciated you. I told you I couldn't live up to your expectations for me. I felt alone and depressed mainly because I had to fit in a family I obviously had nothing in common with. How do you connect with strangers? The puzzles never fit.
I wanted to die because I didn't know how to make you happy.
How do let 10 years of hurt go like that?
You try to remember so many people hurt Jesus.
Yet HE still LOVES you.
He died for your sins.
I don't know if I'll ever be like Christ when it comes to constantly forgiving my mom or asking for forgiveness from her. I pray that one day she'll understand why I've been hurting and I pray one day I'll understand why she had to lie to me. I pray for her salvation. I pray she finds peace even though she's in constant denial.
31. 2016 So Far
It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Here's a quick update!
I've been teaching Sunday School with one kid at church which is pretty interesting. Using my daycare experience with the bible is really fun. We don't have many families to minister to in our church. If you guys would like to pray for families that would be great!
I've met 2 of my 2016 goals which is a good start.
1. Cafe Night Photography Exhibition
This past month I had a gallery opening at PIECES. Cafe Night was a pretty fun intense day. For a few months I took photos of the local cafes in Los Angeles. Every cafe had their own vibe and energy. After taking all the photos I learned how to print, matte, frame and install for the gallery. I prepared an "Open Mic for the event. I had my artist friends perform their original work. There was a lot of love and I couldn't be more satisfied. Praise God for that :)
2. Discipleship
I'm finally discipling someone. My pastor has been encouraging our church to do it. He's trying to equip everyone to teaching everyone so that whoever comes to our church we know how serve and teach others. Him we proclaim warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. Colossians 1:28 I mean other than the fact that it's required from us as a follower. I gotta tell you it was a little nerve wrecking at first but then something my pastor told me "this is to glorify God and not yourself or the other person." "commit this to prayer"
Next 2 of my 2016 goals
3. plan trip to the Philippines
It's actually in the works right now. I'm planning my trip to the Philippines in the summer. Why am I going? Well I think it's about time to have a vacation haha. Main reason why I'm going is to meet my biological father for the first time. Quick update on that, I recently found out that I had a different father and so it took me awhile to accept and move forward from that. God's grace he's given me the strength to move forward and talk to my biological father and half sister from the Philippines. Lord willing I will be gone for 2 months and will be back safe. I'll keep you all updated with that!
4. Driver's license
It'e been a long time coming haha
Oh there's this guy...
to be continued :)
I've been teaching Sunday School with one kid at church which is pretty interesting. Using my daycare experience with the bible is really fun. We don't have many families to minister to in our church. If you guys would like to pray for families that would be great!
I've met 2 of my 2016 goals which is a good start.
1. Cafe Night Photography Exhibition
This past month I had a gallery opening at PIECES. Cafe Night was a pretty fun intense day. For a few months I took photos of the local cafes in Los Angeles. Every cafe had their own vibe and energy. After taking all the photos I learned how to print, matte, frame and install for the gallery. I prepared an "Open Mic for the event. I had my artist friends perform their original work. There was a lot of love and I couldn't be more satisfied. Praise God for that :)
2. Discipleship
I'm finally discipling someone. My pastor has been encouraging our church to do it. He's trying to equip everyone to teaching everyone so that whoever comes to our church we know how serve and teach others. Him we proclaim warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. Colossians 1:28 I mean other than the fact that it's required from us as a follower. I gotta tell you it was a little nerve wrecking at first but then something my pastor told me "this is to glorify God and not yourself or the other person." "commit this to prayer"
Next 2 of my 2016 goals
3. plan trip to the Philippines
It's actually in the works right now. I'm planning my trip to the Philippines in the summer. Why am I going? Well I think it's about time to have a vacation haha. Main reason why I'm going is to meet my biological father for the first time. Quick update on that, I recently found out that I had a different father and so it took me awhile to accept and move forward from that. God's grace he's given me the strength to move forward and talk to my biological father and half sister from the Philippines. Lord willing I will be gone for 2 months and will be back safe. I'll keep you all updated with that!
4. Driver's license
It'e been a long time coming haha
Oh there's this guy...
to be continued :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)