I can never really take back what happened in the past. There's nothing anyone else can do for the fact that it's already been done. People say you live, learn, and move on. For the past few weeks I felt like my past has been haunting me. I've been sucked in a lapse where all my failures and loneliness was getting the better of me. You ever felt so alone you'd rather be somewhere where no one really knows you and you're free to just be another person? For days I've been having a desire of moving or just packing whatever I have and just leave and pray that God will handle the rest. I wanted to run even though I didn't have a direction to run to. I mean it'd be obvious to run to the Lord and try to see where the root of my sin was.
One day, I almost lost it. The only problem was I didn't even know who or where to go. The only thing that kept running my mind was "No one knows what you're going through and no one cares" I can an old friend from college who is a non believer. We'd get along really well, have deep conversations, and high level of respects when it came to our passion for the arts. The whole I wanted to explain but I usually have a problem articulating my thoughts and emotions. I don't think people really understand the crazy in my mind... Anyways, we eventually talked about my "unfortunate" situation. My key words we I felt lonely and purposeless. The way he tried to describe the way I should live was to be independent. There's nothing really wrong with that but what was he really talking about? He was trying to emphasize how being independent can make someone content in life. As I listened to my friend talk about being content in every situation (be happy when you're sad at certain situations) I felt like I ran into a wall.
Some people do care at a point but that should not be the source of your hope. Where people lack Christ DOES NOT. My friend wanted to voice how people will fail you (which I agree on completely)that's why we need to rely on ourselves (not so much) I told him the only way I can get through anything is through Christ. "Then why do you feel alone all the time?" he asked. I sat there and thought I'm not always lonely, I'm usually content with my life. I started to explain how I'm a human and I tend to fall off track and need a good help here and there to remind myself I trust in the Lord. I explained to him how why my world has been different since I finished the music program at LACC. I have a whole different perspective on how I run my life. Here's another thing I always have to remember, I DON'T RUN MY LIFE. I sat in awe talking to my friend on how blessed I feel to know that I'm not in control of my life. God is in total control of every aspect of this world. "I feel that's just being lazy" he says "that's like a parent spoiling their child and God is spoiling Christians." I had to really think about that. The difference between human parents and God is that parents fall short: they fail but my God does not. God wants to have a relationship with you anyways! God is a FATHER who wants a relationship with you. What does a child do? ASK their parents. Children learn and disobey I'm not ashamed how I long for Christ everyday. If I'm spoiled, then I'm spoiled. Everything will be done at the time He wants it to happen. Weather it would be having a new job, a new apartment, a new life, a husband... His purpose is far more better than what I thought my purpose is.
I was not content. I complained on how no one understands me and I feel alone. I complained about how life doesn't make any sense. I thought I did what I did just to find worth or purpose. My purpose is not known but God is always working in my life. I didn't trust in God.
So as I sat there talking to my friend I wanted to slap myself in the face. First of all talking to a non believer about your faith is not the best idea. They don't understand the depth of the struggles you face. They can voice what they believe. God gave me that test so that I know my faith in God is real. It's not perfect but it's real. Second, I knew how to solve my problems, praying and reading the word. There's nothing like God's word to save your soul. Don't ever think you don't have a purpose. Don't ever think God is working you too much. Rely on Him whenever wherever all the time. ALL THE TIME.
Trust and Love God.
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