32. Forgiveness

I have to confess something... I'm still hurt with the lie my mom told me a few years ago. I don't think she knows the damage it has done to me. It's not even her fault... well I don't know. She should've told me from the beginning or at least when I asked her instead of making me feel horrible for asking. Because of all of that I guess I just felt this loneliness and bitterness towards any chance to talk to her. I never felt like I fit in anywhere and I never had the chance to see what love was.

I'm sure my mom made so many sacrifices for her children but why does she have to constantly remind me how ungrateful I am? The way she wants me to show her is by getting a job she demands me to have to love for her. The fact that she kept everything from me I feel like she just wanted to keep everything in the past.

Why am I so biter towards her? I'm sure I've done so many stupid things to her... I said sorry to her though agh. How can I be Christ like if I can't find it in my heart to forgive the person who I loved the most? She lied to me! I would've understood why I was such a lonely person and why I don't have anything in common with other people. I mean who does that? Whenever I would tell her how I feel..." you're so sensitive" That's because you have no idea how it feels to know the fact that you are alone.

The day I wanted to kill myself you didn't understand why. When I told you exactly what it was, all you did was say how bad of a mother you were and how I never appreciated you. I told you I couldn't live up to your expectations for me. I felt alone and depressed mainly because I had to fit in a family I obviously had nothing in common with. How do you connect with strangers? The puzzles never fit.

I wanted to die because I didn't know how to make you happy.

How do let 10 years of hurt go like that?

You try to remember so many people hurt Jesus.

Yet HE still LOVES you.

He died for your sins.

I don't know if I'll ever be like Christ when it comes to constantly forgiving my mom or asking for forgiveness from her. I pray that one day she'll understand why I've been hurting and I pray one day I'll understand why she had to lie to me. I pray for her salvation. I pray she finds peace even though she's in constant denial.