34. Chaotic Mind

You know the devil has the worst timing for you but best timing for him. I thought I had everything figured out... Which in all honesty no one ever really does. That's what your 20s are about right? In your 20s you find out who you are and what your purpose is in life. Half the time I just walk blindly because I'm to afraid to admit that I have no idea what's next. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to feel. For the longest time I've been trying to figure out where my identity lies. Now as a Christian I should be content that my identity lies in Christ.

Half the time I don't know what's going on. I'm at a bible study and we're on 2 Samuel talking about how God made a promise to David that he would be king. The point is that God keeps his promises. His promise to me is eternal life with him after this life... What about right now? What should I be doing now? How or what do I do to glorify God now?

Then I think about my music. How am I glorifying God? My music is about self empowerment, love, and sorrow... It's changing now but I honestly don't see myself going any further. It's so discouraging because that's all I want to do. That was my goal ever since I picked up a guitar and realized that this is what I'm good at.

Looking at my life right now. I work in an office. Scanning papers and checking other people's mistakes, Do not get me wrong I am grateful for this job that I have right now. I'm no longer taking care of other people's babies. But as I look on my Facebook feed and see that everyone who I grew up with is successful. Successful in terms that they're doing what they planned to be at this age.

Six years later I haven't found the thing I really want to pursue other than music but it doesn't look like it's going anywhere. Is this not what God wants? Am I not suppose to write music and perform? Sometimes I wish I knew. That way I can stop now or keep pushing. Do I go back to school and finish so that I can teach music?

There are times I tend to forget that I grew up thinking that only thing to make me happy is to do what makes me happy... Not to say that God is taking that from me. What I'm trying to say is, I don't know what would make me happy in a long run. Sometimes you think you do but it turns out that God knows more than you can ever imagine. It's hard to believe sometimes because I'm use to making myself feel better. I think I'm in control of everything around me (which is totally not true) so that the only person I can blame is myself. I don't blame God that I'm not where I want to be. I'm upset because I can't seem to be content and grateful with the blessings God has given me.

I need to trust in the Lord more and not compare myself to other people. Success is not about the fancy car a house, or a lot of money. I just want to be content with where I am. This selfish desire of knowing that I'll be okay just drives me to sin even more. I end up complaining, get depressed and then I find myself giving up again.  I think I'm crazy half the time because I find it difficult to know what I want. Then I forget that I haven't even prayed about it.

Transitions are hard. Especially when you don't know you're ready for them.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him. and he will make straight your path.
Proverbs 3:5

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose
Romans 8:28

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself, sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33

Thank you for reading.