2020

I had a draft that said 2019...

I think it's just a continuation I couldn't finish last year. The year of 2019 I had many opportunities to test my limits. Like any other year, we try to see what we can really do with our set goals. I for one, thought it had something to do with ministry in the church.

I was getting to know everyone from another church I wasn't a full member yet. Learning how to disciple and care for others. Growing my faith in the Lord has been an enduring journey. Went to the Philippines to serve the churches who've been spreading the gospel there. Shared the gospel to my father who does not know Christ. Later on the summer I became a full member of Grace Church. It has been a very busy time in my life. So busy I didn't realize it.

I've been serving the church way more than I ever did in Santa Monica Church. It's almost about the same thing to me. At one point I thought I was going to be a missionary in the Philippines.

All of that side notes does not really seem to make sense. Nor does my pattern anymore. I haven't been writing. I haven't been thinking to where I can create something out of nothing. I've been stuck in circles. I'm constantly moving. Constantly giving my 100% to see that I didn't really have to.

I'm always wondering why my dad is the way that he is. He's been drinking and all I can do is ask why are you drinking? He says it's because he can't sleep. So he drinks to sleep but in reality he just doesn't know how to cope. He doesn't know how to deal with all that he's done. The last thing I told him when I went to the Philippines with my team was "There's no amount of "good" work you can do to outdo your past. Especially without Christ"

I'm just sadden by all of this. I began to wonder if that's the reason why I'm so anxious all the time. Why I'm always heartbroken. I'm not dead in my sin anymore but there are times I wonder if the reason why I have all these issues was because of my parents? Their lack of communication or cowardice mindset... their fear of being a burden... That's ALL IN MY HEAD!


It's a sobering moment where everything that I have and am is in Christ.

A voice in my head "Remember Christ's love!" God has ordained all of this and it's to not know why things are happening the way that they are. It's not slipping in the cracks. I'm meant to know this so I can rejoice and give praise to the Lord and know HE is GOD. That all my worries and shortcomings aren't things I should dwell on. These "traits" are not my identity. But God. I am saved from all these fears to be a reality. I'm not dismissing that fear is not a real thing. What I am stating is this. Fear should not be a permanent roommate anymore. I would like fear to be an unwanted solicitor on my door. Even then I know fear will come back. knock on my door and say I know you need this.

But I don't. If this is a way for me to come closer to God I'm all for it. But fear is not welcome here for a long period of time. Not anymore.

2020 is about moving forward not run away
2020 is about making good habits not cowering in comfort
2020 is about taking my time and not burning out
2020 is about God not me