13. Alone

So a few posts ago I shared with you how my mother told me who my real father is. He's been living in the Philippines for my whole life so I've never met him. When she first told me, I seemed fine. After years of wondering and suspicion she finally gave me the confirmation that I was right. I was satisfied with what I've been  waiting to hear.

To be really honest, I'm just hurt. I mean my whole life I felt alone. I wondered why I didn't have anything in common with my dad who's raised me. There was always a gap. No wonder my siblings and I don't really click.

How can someone lie for that long? 22 years of my life of feeling alone and different and never knowing the reason why. The worst part is, because I'm so hurt I'm hurting the people I love. No, I'm hurting the only person who ever loved me.

My real father left my mom when he found out that my mom was pregnant with me. The man who raised me lied like my mom did. My grandfather died when I was so young. All of a sudden my guard and wall came back. I'm so scared he's going to leave me and maybe I'm not a Christian. Because I trusted God and He gave me the truth. And now I just wish I wasn't alive...

You can't take back all the heartache. You just can't and it's hard to keep moving forward. I can't even sing. The one thing that makes me feel alive without anyone else... I don't want to do it.

I've been manipulated all my life and I still don't know who I am.

I'm happy that I have great people in my life. And there's not a day where I don't appreciate them. They made me feel like I mattered somehow. Even if it was in a small way.