Ever since school ended for me with no degree I've been trying to look for a job. The only thing is, I'm too scared to actually apply. I mean I have turned a few in but following up was always something I was scared of doing. My fiance and I have been fighting because I'm too scared to do anything and I just close the door on everything. I think he's more upset on how I just don't want to change. I do want to change. I've been trying to change for a really long time. Why can't I just let fear not take over me? I trust in God I really do, but I'm so use to hiding behind books and behind my mother I don't know what to do. Nehi's been trying to help me just like everyone else has from my church and a few of my friends. While I'm trying my very best to find and apply for these jobs, there's always questions like, your work experience, your education etc. I NEVER WORKED! I've always been a student that the messed up part about all of it is that I STILL don't have a degree. I just looked on my GPA I've dropped it so significantly, I want to just throw everything away. What's the point?! I've worked so hard to get to where I am and to really see where I am it's nowhere.
Nehi pushes me to change but how can I? All I do is change and for what? To be back where I started, or lower than anything.
The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most is upset because you can't change no matter how hard you try. I'm so angry at myself I just don't want to try anymore. I hate disapointing him but it's like what can I do? I complain that I hate my life and he said I don't have the right to complain cuz I don't try to do anything about it. I guess I don't. I'm not like him. I don't know how people do this. I'm not strong enough to even change for myself. The fact that someone else believes that I can change make me want to laugh because I don't see it.
I worked hard to be a great student
I worked hard to be a good daughter
I'm trying to be a good girlfriend/ fiancee
and look where it's getting me...
more doubt
Yes I know I'm not perfect. But it seriously suck where I can't even see it in myself that I'm worth it.
I'm just really discouraged about everything. I really don't want to be here. I feel like if I lived somewhere else maybe I'd be happier and work harder. I want a new start. I don't want to be living with my mom. But what choice do I have when I don't have a job?
Pray for me.
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