For those who don't know, I'm engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever known. He can be the most stubborn person in the planet but who isn't right? Well anyways, he's been a part of my life for the past two years I've lived in LA. He's my music partner and brother in Christ. The only thing is, I'm a new believer. I tend to have a wondering mind. Sometimes I'm nor even sure in what I believe in. That's actually a problem. well for one, I don't want to hurt him because of my own mind. I love him with all my heart don't mistake that. I'd do anything for him but I don't want to lie about it. I don't think I'm lying when it comes to my faith because I do believe that God is doing wonders in my life. He's blessed me with the man that I love, the friends I cherish and the opportunities he's given me so far.
I wasn't really thinking about all of these things until a friend of mine. . . maybe a friend I'm not sure. But she was asking why we were moving too fast. I honestly didn't have an answer. The only answer I could give her was how much I love him but I didn't even say that. I do love him. There's no doubt about it. But why couldn't I just say it? She would ask, "you have an idea how you want to do your wedding?" or "you have plans where it's going to be?" It's annoying when people ask me so many questions and I have no way of answering it. Honestly how in the world would I know what my plans are? \
I met up with two of my friends afterwords and we started to plan my wedding: which wasn't going to happen until 9 months from now. They were talking about the budget, the place, the date, everything. Obviously it's something worth thinking about. I wasn't upset about thinking about it. I was more concern if it was possible. The only income I have is from school, my financial aid, which is great and all but I need a job. The main situation is, I started to questing my marriage.
The big question is, "Am I really ready?" I don't have a job, still go to school, can't drive, don't live on my own. . . You start to wonder if you're ready to be with someone else if you can't even take care of yourself. Now I have to be responsible for his spiritual walk? When we talked about it I felt like I was ready but when people ask or makes me make them sure that I know what I'm doing, I feel like I don't Why do I have to prove to other people how much I love him. I want to prove to him and God that I love my fiance. That I'm going to love my husband as long as I live. I just hope that I'm ready for it. Regardless of what I'm confused about I want to be sure that I'm ready.
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